Posts Tagged ‘reflection’

My grandfather has passed away…he is free to fly in the skies that he loved….


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My mom used to say “The longer you live in the monkey house the less likely you are to notice the smell.” I didn’t really pay attention at the time because she was constantly making monkey references for her 6 kid brood. As this year draws to a close, I find myself pausing to think about everything that happened this year.

A hell of a lot of change.

Nobody likes change and I am pretty sure I am the CEO in that boardroom. As this year has passed, I have tried a lot of new things. The statusquo has become more carpediem. You see, my life had gotten so unbelievably stifled that I did not even recognize myself in January.

Today, I am a lot less apologetic of myself and I am hyper aware of slipping back into that monkey house. I can smell it a mile away. I ache for the familiar a lot of the time, but the tradeoff to being vibrant is totally worth it.

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We all wear masks. We wear our armor of goodness and virtue with pride. We take on the battles of life, receiving bumps and bruises along the way. But occasionally, life throws something out that is so left field, we are stripped of our masks and armor. We are left exposed to see who we really are. And that is a seldomly enjoyed experience.

I have worked really hard on accepting people, forgiveness, and extending grace at all times. I had the opportunity to organize a couple of rooms for a disabled man. 

Horrifying truth be told, I was sickened to be around him. He is a nice enough man, however the overwhelming health issues left him confined to a wheelchair, 100% disabled, widowed, and an odd obsession of hoarding medical supplies.

(Houston couldn’t possibly produce enough chiggers after Hurricane Harvey to require his copious amounts of big bite treatments.)

I was overwhelmed by the smell that greeted me at the door. It was a wall of sterile medical supplies, cat urine, and stagnate air. I was blissfully unaware of the medical care situation for disabled people. I never wanted to think about fully disabled people. Because their families should take care of them. Right?!? 

I was pushed into a situation far beyond my comfort zone. I was stripped of any facade to protect myself. I had to look at myself in the mirror. And I didn’t like what I saw. I was repulsed at the level of medical care, I was repulsed by the clients’ obsessions, and I am pretty sure the smell helped.

I am still disgusted with my lack of compassion and trying to distance myself from the situation. I don’t understand why I feel the need to withdraw and it scares me too.

“All that is necessary to perpetuate evil is that good men do nothing”

It’s easier to do nothing and feel nothing, if you look the other way. Welcome to the Masquerade.

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WTF does that even mean?!?! A well meaning ‘friend’ told me that a week ago. And quite frankly, it pissed me off.

I agree that the ‘rebound’ relationship is not something that I want to get into. But I hate being alone.

As the house sits mostly empty this evening, I am reminded that my children are not with me forever. And that being ‘alone’ is just not going to work for me. 

I was never a ‘loner’. I don’t ‘want’ to be alone. I wasn’t made to be alone. And I don’t feel like I should have to justify that to anyone. I had a soulmate. And he doesn’t exist anymore. 

Nothing will compare to that. I don’t want to learn to live with the hole in my heart. I don’t want to ‘learn to live with yourself’. I actually want to sleep next to a person at night. I actually want the ‘safety’ that I felt long ago. I don’t care about the dozens of annoying habits people have.

I just want to be loved and truly cherished by someone. So the next time you feel like telling someone that they should “get to know yourself and be in a relationship with yourself” shove a rag into your mouth. 

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I care about what Christ called ‘the least of these’. Some would say that that is a gift. 

I do not share this viewpoint.

The problem with caring for the bullied, downtrodden, perpetual downward spiralers, eeyore’s of life, is that 9 times out of 10, they don’t want your help. They are ok with their bed in the mud. They don’t want opportunity. They DO want pity. 

The problem with that is that I have a major aversion to pity. 

I am an empath. Empaths feel people’s the emotions and energy produced from their personality and emotions. Quite frankly, it is freaking exhausting. 

I know people before they tell me about themselves. This gets me into A LOT of trouble. Because I react based off of what I read and not off of the ‘persona’ that they present. They usually are not ready to divulge that part of themselves and sometimes they are in complete denial of its existence.  

This also gets me into a LOT of trouble. 

As I get into the dating world again, I am acutely aware of this ‘flaw’. Men are not ‘sharers’. They compartmentalize EVERYTHING. How the hell am I supposed to start a relationship with someone when I see their history before they even decide that they may tell me ten years down the road?!?!?! W-T-F?!?!

You might say “Well Grace, this should help you weed out the losers.” To that I say, yes you are correct. I have weeded everyone out. Yay me.

I have the couple of confirmed batchelors who tolerate my rambling random comments. Just because I fill the five minutes of unbearable space in their lives. They like their lives and I see why they are still single. And I am fast becoming one of them. Ugh!!!!

The few guys who allow themselves to be real long enough for me to compare their real self with their persona and then weigh the odds of their sharing that with me; usually have decided that I know too much for a relationship and then friend zone me hard. 

My ex husband told me a year ago that I needed to leave my psychology at the door and be his wife for once. Major cop out. Just because I love the world of psychology, doesn’t mean that I analyze everyone because of it. I have analyzed people since I was a little kid. Psychology just helped me fill in a couple of blanks. 

So yeah. I care about people. I care about why they do and say the things that they do. I care about the pain that they compensate for. Because I know what it feels like. I know what pain and loneliness feels like. I know what it’s like to hurt so much that you try to end your life. I know what it’s like to endure abuse in hopes of finding something better. I know what it’s like to be disowned. I know what it’s like to be told that God no longer sees you. That you don’t exist anymore. I know what it’s like to walk into an abuser at Wal-Mart and have your stomach drop through the floor. I know what it’s like to lose someone that you love. I know what it’s like to lose a baby. I KNOW WHAT PAIN FEELS LIKE.

The danger of giving a damn, is that you set yourself up for more pain and heartache, but…… also have that 5% chance of reaching that person and showing them God’s face in their desperate hour. And that 5% is the most amazing high there is on this earth.

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Yesterday, a friend of mine was talking about asking his employees to create a user manual for themselves. It’s kind of genius.

So I am going to give it a shot. First, a user manual has its own audience. If I am writing a user manual for a significant other, it will say things specific to that use. A mom user manual would be very different.

Since this blog has definite divorce vibe this year, I will write my significant other manual.

1) Do’s & Don’ts

A) Don’t ignore me. If I am taking the time to talk to you, don’t you dare blow me off.

B) Do understand that I overthink everything. When a sentence comes out of my mouth, you must understand that I have thought of 20 different angles for what comes out of my mouth.

C) Never cut me off. EVER.

D) Phrases that automatically piss me off:

1- You are just like your family.

2- Whatever

3- You may study psychology but you don’t know how to use it obviously.

4- It gets better

5- God is punishing you

And my personal favorite

6- I’m busy

E. Needs

1) I need physical contact. Often.

2) When I get frantic, I need to be hugged.

3) I need to be told that I am doing a fabulous job. Often. Because my inner voice doesn’t tell me that. 

4) I need you to understand my history. There are so many valleys and left turns that I need someone to look out for me.

5) Understand that although I may look like I know what I am doing, I am still that girl cowering in the corner of the room. And I need more than anything to have that understood.

F. What to do when everything goes wrong.

1) Reassure me that you aren’t going anywhere. No matter what happens.

2) Chocolate

3) Flowers

4) Cleaning.
What will you get in return for the proper care and maintenance of myself?

The most loyal, hard working, loving, silly person that exists. Someone who will give every opportunity for you to get yourself together. 

If proper care is not take , the light for you will be exatinguished. Never to be lit again.

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