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Posts Tagged ‘identity’

My grandfather has passed away…he is free to fly in the skies that he loved….

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My mom used to say “The longer you live in the monkey house the less likely you are to notice the smell.” I didn’t really pay attention at the time because she was constantly making monkey references for her 6 kid brood. As this year draws to a close, I find myself pausing to think about everything that happened this year.

A hell of a lot of change.

Nobody likes change and I am pretty sure I am the CEO in that boardroom. As this year has passed, I have tried a lot of new things. The statusquo has become more carpediem. You see, my life had gotten so unbelievably stifled that I did not even recognize myself in January.

Today, I am a lot less apologetic of myself and I am hyper aware of slipping back into that monkey house. I can smell it a mile away. I ache for the familiar a lot of the time, but the tradeoff to being vibrant is totally worth it.

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Nothing says ‘train wreck’ more than a single female about to go on a date.

The wardrobe changes. Make-up changes. Crying. Why? Because those are physical representations of the war going on in my head. I love the comedies that have a good Angel and a bad angel on a person’s shoulders. It’s a fairly decent representation. When you have anxiety, you have 10x the ‘angels’ on your shoulder. Really it is all the criticisms that you have received in your life that stay on repeat. 

“You look like a hooker” “You will never be happy” “You deserve what you get” “You are too fat” “You are too old to be dating again, what are you thinking?!” “You are the parent, how can you give your daughter relationship advice when you don’t even know what the hell you are doing?” “You deserve to be alone” “You are way too weird to be dating” “You only get one soulmate in your life” “You suck at love” 

Yay Anxiety!!

So, I have changed clothes 4x. I have redone my makeup 4x. Cried 2x. Taken a nap to avoid being too tired.

Made mental notes about what not to talk about: 

1) Don’t talk about your ex.

2) Don’t talk about your love of office supplies i.e. Colored pens, post its, file folders, and fancy paper clips.

3) He hasn’t been married or had kids so that’s out. 

4) Don’t talk about the hell that has been this last year.

Great. So that leaves laundry, the weather, and sports. 

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s gonna be fine!

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I care about what Christ called ‘the least of these’. Some would say that that is a gift. 

I do not share this viewpoint.

The problem with caring for the bullied, downtrodden, perpetual downward spiralers, eeyore’s of life, is that 9 times out of 10, they don’t want your help. They are ok with their bed in the mud. They don’t want opportunity. They DO want pity. 

The problem with that is that I have a major aversion to pity. 

I am an empath. Empaths feel people’s the emotions and energy produced from their personality and emotions. Quite frankly, it is freaking exhausting. 

I know people before they tell me about themselves. This gets me into A LOT of trouble. Because I react based off of what I read and not off of the ‘persona’ that they present. They usually are not ready to divulge that part of themselves and sometimes they are in complete denial of its existence.  

This also gets me into a LOT of trouble. 

As I get into the dating world again, I am acutely aware of this ‘flaw’. Men are not ‘sharers’. They compartmentalize EVERYTHING. How the hell am I supposed to start a relationship with someone when I see their history before they even decide that they may tell me ten years down the road?!?!?! W-T-F?!?!

You might say “Well Grace, this should help you weed out the losers.” To that I say, yes you are correct. I have weeded everyone out. Yay me.

I have the couple of confirmed batchelors who tolerate my rambling random comments. Just because I fill the five minutes of unbearable space in their lives. They like their lives and I see why they are still single. And I am fast becoming one of them. Ugh!!!!

The few guys who allow themselves to be real long enough for me to compare their real self with their persona and then weigh the odds of their sharing that with me; usually have decided that I know too much for a relationship and then friend zone me hard. 

My ex husband told me a year ago that I needed to leave my psychology at the door and be his wife for once. Major cop out. Just because I love the world of psychology, doesn’t mean that I analyze everyone because of it. I have analyzed people since I was a little kid. Psychology just helped me fill in a couple of blanks. 

So yeah. I care about people. I care about why they do and say the things that they do. I care about the pain that they compensate for. Because I know what it feels like. I know what pain and loneliness feels like. I know what it’s like to hurt so much that you try to end your life. I know what it’s like to endure abuse in hopes of finding something better. I know what it’s like to be disowned. I know what it’s like to be told that God no longer sees you. That you don’t exist anymore. I know what it’s like to walk into an abuser at Wal-Mart and have your stomach drop through the floor. I know what it’s like to lose someone that you love. I know what it’s like to lose a baby. I KNOW WHAT PAIN FEELS LIKE.

The danger of giving a damn, is that you set yourself up for more pain and heartache, but……..you also have that 5% chance of reaching that person and showing them God’s face in their desperate hour. And that 5% is the most amazing high there is on this earth.

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Yesterday, a friend of mine was talking about asking his employees to create a user manual for themselves. It’s kind of genius.

So I am going to give it a shot. First, a user manual has its own audience. If I am writing a user manual for a significant other, it will say things specific to that use. A mom user manual would be very different.

Since this blog has definite divorce vibe this year, I will write my significant other manual.

1) Do’s & Don’ts

A) Don’t ignore me. If I am taking the time to talk to you, don’t you dare blow me off.

B) Do understand that I overthink everything. When a sentence comes out of my mouth, you must understand that I have thought of 20 different angles for what comes out of my mouth.

C) Never cut me off. EVER.

D) Phrases that automatically piss me off:

1- You are just like your family.

2- Whatever

3- You may study psychology but you don’t know how to use it obviously.

4- It gets better

5- God is punishing you

And my personal favorite

6- I’m busy

E. Needs

1) I need physical contact. Often.

2) When I get frantic, I need to be hugged.

3) I need to be told that I am doing a fabulous job. Often. Because my inner voice doesn’t tell me that. 

4) I need you to understand my history. There are so many valleys and left turns that I need someone to look out for me.

5) Understand that although I may look like I know what I am doing, I am still that girl cowering in the corner of the room. And I need more than anything to have that understood.

F. What to do when everything goes wrong.

1) Reassure me that you aren’t going anywhere. No matter what happens.

2) Chocolate

3) Flowers

4) Cleaning.
What will you get in return for the proper care and maintenance of myself?

The most loyal, hard working, loving, silly person that exists. Someone who will give every opportunity for you to get yourself together. 

If proper care is not take , the light for you will be exatinguished. Never to be lit again.

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Today, I decided to hang up a piece of embroidery that I had worked on and finished many years ago. I am not sure why I was embarrassed to hang it up years ago.

One of the things that I am learning about myself is that I am creative. SOOOO creative. And I ran away from that for a long time. Partly because it reminds me of my parents who are very artistic and part of it is the extreme vulnerability that comes from pouring your energy and heart into a project and having someone hate it. 

I am 6 months into my divorce. I never thought divorce was going to be so painful. The end of the relationship was the easiest part of the process because in truth, it had ended years ago. The painful part was the exposure. I had no excuses to hide behind, no one to have my back, no protection, and I had no idea who I was. I thought I did.

I am an anxiety ridden, OCD, depressed, failure of a human. Except, that’s not all.

I am creative, I have a huge capacity for love and empathy, I am uber driven, and I have a spine of steel. I am a peerfectionist who makes so many mistakes, it’s a travesty. 

The adjectives to describe me are numerous. And I have learned that I own them all. I am OCD, anxiety driven, I am a failure, but I am also a fighter, a lover, and a giver. The definition of me is changing and that is ok because I am me. 

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