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Posts Tagged ‘grief’

My grandpa

There is no one like a grandparent.

They give unconditional love no matter what.

My Papaw and I had a special bond from the very beginning. I was a curly haired red head and I had his heart. I was born the year that he turned 50. We shared decade beginning birthdays in decade beginning years.

It didn’t matter what he and my dad argued about or talked about, he always had a spot next to him where we would sit and watch the minutes pass on his rolex.

He stopped smoking when I was very young because I had asked him too. My parents impressed upon me, that he would die young if he didn’t. He made it to 88 years & 9 months. Thats pretty damn good.

I would make homemade fudge just for him, every time they came to visit. Standing in front of the stove for hours to make sure it would be just right.

He walked me down the aisle to get married when my own father wouldn’t even show up to my wedding.

My Papaw was my hero.

Its hard to describe what it is like to lose that person. Most daughter’s choose there father as that rock. I didn’t have that but I had my Papaw. I hate to cry but the pain in my heart is so much worse than what I dealt with in any other loss. I lost the person who was truly the proudest of me. The person who believed that I could do anything. I lost a piece of me….

When I divorced Papaw promised me that there was someone as good as (he) who would love me, like he loved my Grandma. I hope he is right. Even though they dealt with infidelity early on in their marriage, my Papaw never quit fighting for their marriage. Not once. Neither did my Grandma. “Marriage isn’t 50/50.” He told me. “It’s 100/100.” The first part of my marriage was 100/100, frankly the rest of it and the relationships following remained unequal. I never got to tell him that I understood. I never got to tell him how critical he had been in my life.

He taught me the die hard determination to ‘figure it out’ no matter what happened. That you only lose when you give up. He had a metal pail in his garage that was full of screws. He had taken apart a truck and put every single screw in that bucket. He said that he didn’t think at the time that he would need to know which screw went to which part, but he figured it out.

My Papaw was a baller before it was cool to be one. My Papaw was my hero.

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My grandfather has passed away…he is free to fly in the skies that he loved….

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I suffer from PTSD for a variety of reasons. But it never ceases to disgust me when I get triggered. I mean, it has been a long time since many events have happened. I get annoyed to realize that I can be shut down to a sobbing, shaking pile of nothing over a series of events, a sound, a smell, or any combination of those.

Today it was a client taking his first nitro tablet and calming the spouse. I managed to hold it together until I left them (he is fine btw).

I am so tired of feeling. I am good on my feet and in the moment. I have helped people on the side of the road after a car crash, helped a 16yr old get through a seizure and go with her in the ambulance, walked several people through cancer treatments, and lost the man I loved to a personality change after a massive set of heat attacks. It is the heart attack that gets to me. 

And somehow a nitroglycerin tablet brought it all crashing back today. People say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I am here to tell you that that is fucking bullshit. If you never loved, you wouldn’t know what you lost. That grief is the worst pain, I have ever experienced. 

I will never ever forget the last moment of fear in my husband’s eyes and him trying to say ‘help me’ before his eyes rolled back and he lost consciousness. I wish I could forget it. I would take whatever drug they came up with to erase that.

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WTF does that even mean?!?! A well meaning ‘friend’ told me that a week ago. And quite frankly, it pissed me off.

I agree that the ‘rebound’ relationship is not something that I want to get into. But I hate being alone.

As the house sits mostly empty this evening, I am reminded that my children are not with me forever. And that being ‘alone’ is just not going to work for me. 

I was never a ‘loner’. I don’t ‘want’ to be alone. I wasn’t made to be alone. And I don’t feel like I should have to justify that to anyone. I had a soulmate. And he doesn’t exist anymore. 

Nothing will compare to that. I don’t want to learn to live with the hole in my heart. I don’t want to ‘learn to live with yourself’. I actually want to sleep next to a person at night. I actually want the ‘safety’ that I felt long ago. I don’t care about the dozens of annoying habits people have.

I just want to be loved and truly cherished by someone. So the next time you feel like telling someone that they should “get to know yourself and be in a relationship with yourself” shove a rag into your mouth. 

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I’ll be honest. I’m pretty angry right now. I didn’t know I was. Until yesterday.

Every year, I attend the Global Leadership Summit. Every year, I am moved and inspired in a deep and meaningful way. This year was no exception.

Bill Hybels gave a challenge to everyone to examine ourselves and find out who we needed to forgive in order to be able to move on. It turns out, I was angry at God. Kind of surprised me. I thought God and I were somewhat decent in our relationship. 

Not so much.

God answered my prayer and hundreds of other’s prayers to keep him alive two years ago. But He saw fit for him to not have the same personality. I assumed that I had accepted that. There is nothing I can do to change it. I was overwhelmed suddenly with relief and a torrent of tears and sobbing. I know, classy right? 

A friend asked me a crucial question. “Why do you think that God is unhappy with the failure of your marriage?” 

Simple right? Simple but mind blowing. 

It had never occurred to me that any of this was a part of God’s plan.

 It never occurred to me that my ex-husband had a large part in any of this. 

It never occurred to me that whatever is just around the corner in my life, is so big, that God needed my undivided attention and has gone to this length to get it. 

Earth shattering right? Ok, maybe not earth shattering, but it has sparked a LOT of thinking and reflection on my part. What is next? I have ZERO clue. But rest assured, God has my attention.

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Permission

Today, I give myself permission to be sad. 

Sad for dreams that never materialized. Sad for a marriage that couldn’t be mended.

Sad for a life’s purpose that no longer exists.

Out of that sadness hope is born.

Hope for the future. 

Thanksgiving for friendships forged from the metal of despair and loneliness.

And happiness that two girls get to establish a sisterly bond that was not possible six months ago.

I give myself permission to be sad.

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