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Archive for the ‘Pride’ Category

We all wear masks. We wear our armor of goodness and virtue with pride. We take on the battles of life, receiving bumps and bruises along the way. But occasionally, life throws something out that is so left field, we are stripped of our masks and armor. We are left exposed to see who we really are. And that is a seldomly enjoyed experience.

I have worked really hard on accepting people, forgiveness, and extending grace at all times. I had the opportunity to organize a couple of rooms for a disabled man. 

Horrifying truth be told, I was sickened to be around him. He is a nice enough man, however the overwhelming health issues left him confined to a wheelchair, 100% disabled, widowed, and an odd obsession of hoarding medical supplies.

(Houston couldn’t possibly produce enough chiggers after Hurricane Harvey to require his copious amounts of big bite treatments.)

I was overwhelmed by the smell that greeted me at the door. It was a wall of sterile medical supplies, cat urine, and stagnate air. I was blissfully unaware of the medical care situation for disabled people. I never wanted to think about fully disabled people. Because their families should take care of them. Right?!? 

I was pushed into a situation far beyond my comfort zone. I was stripped of any facade to protect myself. I had to look at myself in the mirror. And I didn’t like what I saw. I was repulsed at the level of medical care, I was repulsed by the clients’ obsessions, and I am pretty sure the smell helped.

I am still disgusted with my lack of compassion and trying to distance myself from the situation. I don’t understand why I feel the need to withdraw and it scares me too.

“All that is necessary to perpetuate evil is that good men do nothing”

It’s easier to do nothing and feel nothing, if you look the other way. Welcome to the Masquerade.

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As divorce gets finalized with settlement negotiations, a close friend of my quite bluntly told me that I need to “Let people help you. Swallow your pride and let people help you!”

Pride is a hard swallow. I know I am not a fan. There is something primal about ‘taking care of yourself’ or the ‘I can do it’ phrase. At least it is for me. 

No one better tell me that I can’t. Mostly because I tell myself that on the hour. But back to swallowing pride, I started to feel panic just thinking about it. God has a way of not asking our opinion before, during, or after our struggles. 

I am struggling and I know it. I don’t want to give in and fold. But I can’t do it alone. And really, I don’t have to. God didn’t make us islands. He made us dependent on one another. I just need some ketchup……

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Change

People like to talk about change.

They like to explain why they haven’t changed, why they want to change, or who is holding them back from changing.

What they don’t like to do, is the work that it takes to actually change. They don’t like to feel the raw vulnerability that it takes to truly change themselves. 

It’s easy to blame someone for their current schema of life. It’s much harder to decide that you and you alone are responsible for your own happiness.

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