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Archive for the ‘Loneliness’ Category

The hardest part of a divorce from a long term spouse is the little things. The balance of your own quirks. 

I think it would have been easier to have hated each other when we separated. But we didn’t. We still know each other’s weak points. 

The hardest thing is hearing that it is exhausting to talk to me sometimes because  it is impossible to know just what I mean without a lot of questions. (What did I expect, he is an attorney). I already know how difficult it is for me to express how I feel or what I mean 98% of time. And to be told that it just isn’t worth figuring out what I mean, just kind of hurts. I took it for granted that I didn’t have to work too hard at expressing myself because my spouse really didn’t give a shit.

I apologized without even thinking about it. Without even considering that maybe he was just having an off evening and just snapped. Or was tired. Anxiety makes me over analyze EVERYTHING. Which I apologize for too. 

It IS hard to know what I mean all the time because I don’t even know what I mean half the time. It’s hard to realize that I need a thicker skin. And it’s hard to admit that I miss anything of my old life. 

Because really, I am just frustrated and exhausted. And I apologize when I don’t need to. And I don’t make sense all the time. And I realize that that is irritating. And that’s ok.

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Nothing says ‘train wreck’ more than a single female about to go on a date.

The wardrobe changes. Make-up changes. Crying. Why? Because those are physical representations of the war going on in my head. I love the comedies that have a good Angel and a bad angel on a person’s shoulders. It’s a fairly decent representation. When you have anxiety, you have 10x the ‘angels’ on your shoulder. Really it is all the criticisms that you have received in your life that stay on repeat. 

“You look like a hooker” “You will never be happy” “You deserve what you get” “You are too fat” “You are too old to be dating again, what are you thinking?!” “You are the parent, how can you give your daughter relationship advice when you don’t even know what the hell you are doing?” “You deserve to be alone” “You are way too weird to be dating” “You only get one soulmate in your life” “You suck at love” 

Yay Anxiety!!

So, I have changed clothes 4x. I have redone my makeup 4x. Cried 2x. Taken a nap to avoid being too tired.

Made mental notes about what not to talk about: 

1) Don’t talk about your ex.

2) Don’t talk about your love of office supplies i.e. Colored pens, post its, file folders, and fancy paper clips.

3) He hasn’t been married or had kids so that’s out. 

4) Don’t talk about the hell that has been this last year.

Great. So that leaves laundry, the weather, and sports. 

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s gonna be fine!

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I may have mentioned a few times how much I hate the old “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” saying. Today, it popped up in my mind on the way to greet a mental intervention team from the county, dispatched to my youngest daughter’s middle school because she sent a suicide note to one of her friends. She’s 12.

As the gentlemen spoke to me in annoyingly hushed tones, I felt the hot tears  roll down my face. Yes, I knew she was having a hard time. That was why we tried an anxiety medication. 

I answered the man’s family history questions in dumb fashion as I listened to my daughter’s plan to kill herself. A .22 rifle. Or cutting herself. My stomach lurched as she showed me a long scar on her hip where she had tried cutting. 

Mom of the year. How do you not know what to do when your kid is so desperate to end the holes in their heart?

My ex barely said anything. Shocker.

God, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be strong for my kids anymore. I don’t ever know what the fuck I am doing half the time. Why am I being assaulted on every aspect of my life this year?!?!? When is it my turn to be comforted? When will someone be there to hold me when I fall apart? I have nothing left God. You have allowed levels of hell that I can’t comprehend in my life and I don’t fucking understand. You allowed my little girl to be bullied to the point of feeling like the world was better off without her…….

Please God, please, no more…….

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