goddess4ever's Blog

Another day, another shrapnel filled barrage. This is getting real old, really damn quick.

I have worked for a money hungry, power hungry female before and she took great pleasure in ruining people’s lives just because she could. Now I am working for another such female and I am sooooooo tired of it.

Get a damn hobby!!!!!

I don’t want to be her ever. I don’t want to be that hateful. I don’t want to be that awful of a human.

Get a life!!!

Drink wine like a normal stepford wife and SHUT THE &$”: UP!!!

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And just like that, she is hours away from turning 17.

My beautiful blue eyed gerber baby has grown into a headstrong, stubborn, and incredibly strong young lady.

Doctors told me early on that children were not in my future and even into the 14 hours of active labor, we almost lost her.

As crazy as she makes me, I am so proud of her!! She is lightyears ahead of where I was at her age. Even with her stubborn streak, she is very much a soft hearted girl. She has been through the ringer the last few years, losing her Grandma, almost losing her Dad and losing a close family friend within months of each other. Followed by a separation and divorce of her parents. 5 moves in two years and she has lived a lot of life already.

I wish I could say that I prepared her, but I think she has prepared me for life ahead. She has given me a reason to exist when I didn’t want to breathe, or feel anymore.

Happy Birthday Angelique ❤️💕❤️💕❤️

May you keep pushing boundaries for many years to come!!

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It has been you for the last two years.

It doesn’t matter whether you are ready or not. It will always be you.

Yours is the hand that I reach for.

Yours is the laugh that I hear when I look around for witnesses.

Your skin carries the faint smell of soap that I smell at night before I go to sleep.

You are my safe space whether you are ready or not.

It will ALWAYS be you.

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I keep thinking things will get better at work.

I keep thinking the psycho duo will find a new project.

I keep thinking I will be appreciated (truly appreciated) for what I do across the partnership, but I don’t think that will ever happen.

I will never be good enough, smart enough, sacrifice enough, or suffer enough.

This morning I actually went and sat in a parking lot until exactly 8 am.

I have only truly hated one job I have had and it lasted three months. Ironically it was my first paralegal job.

I have made it 10 months in this position and I feel like I have to fight for every bit of progress that I have made. I am getting burned out.

I have renewed my lease thanks to this job but I am starting to question if all of this work and effort is worth it.

I am tired of failing at everything.

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Your heart loves who it loves. There is nothing you can do to stop it or change that.

I think the last year of trying to force myself to move on and not love someone, hurt me more than what I was so afraid of in the very beginning. Losing someone.

You can’t control another person. You can (its illegal) but you could. I don’t want that.

I have been so afraid of being alone that I have forced myself into a situation where I am alone.

I want what every normal well adjusted girl wants. Someone to say “You are the person that I want in my life. You are the one that I want to bitch at when I am 92 years old.

There is not a set route to get there. No one said that a set sequence of events has to happen in order to get to that point. There is no rulebook.

I realized that I didn’t lose my spouse because I didn’t have control of the situation. I lost him because we both changed drastically after a series of extremely difficult events. There are no guarantees in life or in love.

What I can do is enjoy what I have now and be ok with the perfection that it is, in and of itself. Because it is. It is perfection.

It doesn’t have to be anything else. It doesn’t have to cause things to change. It doesn’t become anything.

There is beauty in what it is.

Love is more powerful than any rule that you place on it. My heart has proven, she is an asshole. She will love who she pleases. She will not be forced. She will not abide by rules. She loves who she loves.

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Life can get really hard sometimes. I have more pastoral friends than the average person so it isn’t unusual for me to hear from any one of them.

This week has been particularly hard on me. The last three weeks have been uncharted waters.

Yesterday, I heard from a Pastor that I haven’t heard from in a couple of years. It was out of nowhere.

Today, I ran into another Pastor. Just as I was telling an old friend that I was giving up on everything. That I had no more fight left. No more energy to hang on.

Encouragement that you matter is the simplest form of valuing another human. It doesn’t have to be a pastor, that isn’t what I am saying. I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to help you at any time. I just forget It is there.

Life is hard. Loneliness is brutal…..

YOU matter.

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Some weeks suck and others end up being an absolute bloodbath.

This week was a bloodbath. Between working 60+ hours, every-single-problem that could have happened, happened.

Did you know that an ink stamp that self inks, can come apart and get black ink EVERYwhere?

Did you know that sometimes you CAN actually be more effective than your IT guy?

Did you know that if you force a print job to be prioritized, it jacks with ALL of your pending jobs?

Did you know that I got my first lease renewal since I separated from my ex husband?

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