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Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

My babies.

Kids are always the greatest casualty of divorce. My children are no different.

I picked up my youngest from her dad’s. My oldest wanted to see the dogs so she went too. My ex-husband decided to make a couple remarks to my oldest about her shortcomings. My heart broke as I watched her shutdown completely.

That was not a function of our divorce though. It was the cause of our separation. The callous putting down of her every effort. Like she was a failure.

The ride home was strained and she snapped at her sister and when we got to our apartment, she locked herself in her room.

Both of my daughters are everything to me. I never wanted to separate them. I never wanted to have one daughter in one place and one in another.

I left both girls a stuffed animal on their bed this evening for Valentine’s day.

I can’t fix this. I can’t give them the dad that I should have given them in the beginning. I can’t take the hurt away. I can’t fix the scars. I love my girls and I broke them…….

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Miss You.

O.A.R. “Miss You”

I have done a lot of thinking lately after my baby sister told me that I was grieving what could have been, over what was. She was right.

I took the handful of visits to my last relationship and have hurt over them harder than I ever have. I couldn’t figure out why they held such a hold on me until now.

He got me. He got me better than anyone ever had. It was a connection that I had heard about but never been a part of. That was over a few visits, OF COURSE it was everything I wanted! I torture myself on a daily basis over how hard it is for me to connect with people. He got me.

That is the loss that I am grieving. I didn’t have to explain my weirdness. I felt like a normal person.

I don’t fault him for running. I never realized that because I viewed him as perfect, I created an ideal that he could never live up to. Sometimes there is no explaining that you just need them. You don’t need perfect. You need someone who gets you. That is what made it perfect.

He got me.

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Just dumb.

I watched two college students get married today.

I marveled at the hope they both had in their future.

I listened as they both promised to love each other through the good and the bad times.

I realized that there is nothing in wedding vows to guarantee anything.

You can’t guarantee that someone will not give up you. You can’t guarantee that they will not give up on themselves, or life.

Marriage was never a joke to me.

Sex was never a frivolous thing. It always meant something to me.

Love was NEVER given lightly. And yet, here I am….alone.

Maybe I am too much. Maybe I am too passionate. Too stuck on ‘true love’. Maybe there isn’t such a thing. Maybe I am looking for something that doesn’t exist….

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Hi. I am a train wreck.

I guess I never realized how afraid men are of emotion.

It seems to be a recurring theme. Hi, I have high functioning anxiety. I may as well have a lighthouse above me to warn the world to stay away from me.

I am tired. I am broken. And I am so alone.

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That was………wtf was that?

W -T -F is with non Americans and my hair?!?!?!?!

Don’t PET ME!!! I am NOT a dog……wtf….

I hate dating.

The date was fine actually, everything unravelled when he asked to kiss me. I though ‘Meh, ok how bad can it be??’

Between trying to get my tonsils back, and all of a sudden feeling his hand on my boob……

REALLY?!?!?!? The first date/ coffee whatever.

I don’t even know what to do with that….

Listen, guys PSA learn how to kiss…. for real……I have had one guy who knew how to kiss and it was not my husband of 17 years. LEARN HOW TO KISS

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Yeah right.

It is amazing how suspicious you become about people after you have had your heart shattered.

“You are so beautiful”

Me – “What do you want”

“We should go out on a date”

Me – “We should see other people first.”

“I would like to spend time with you.”

Me – “Pretty sure you have not made an informed decision.”

“Your eyes are stunning!”

Me- “Nope, I see them everyday. No effects.”

“You would prob be on more dates if you were more positive.”

Me- …………

They aren’t wrong.

I am about to go on a date with the first person I have had any chemistry with, in several months. And of course, I am terrified.

I am trying not to let my brain go rogue. But its my brain so of course it will go rogue. So how am I going to approach this?

Trying to be in the moment. Trying to not out think myself or the situation. This is impossible. So, I am going to take a breath, try not to compare him to someone that I have dated before, and try to stay in the moment.

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What a week.

Let the birthday weekend commence! I probably won’t even get out of bed.

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