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Archive for the ‘Faith’ Category

A lot of great literature has a hero as the central focus (as it should). A lot has been written about the hero’s courage in daunting and inexplicable situation. When you picture a hero, who has made a major accomplishment, there is armor. A bullet proof vest, fireman gear, an actual suit pf armor, weapons, and so forth.

There is a lot of buzz in the social world currently about the lack of social skills these days with the use of the internet. People don’t have to be anything that they don’t want to be. They can hide behind a facade. An armor. Good or bad, it hides things.

As I start a new life for me and my kids and begin dating, I realized that in order to NOT repeat old mistakes, I was going to have to do something that I have never done before. I had to leave the armor.

It will take every bit of courage that I have to leave old habits and masks behind. If I want true love, I have to expose myself to being hurt( which is terrifying). 

Its also not very pretty. I cant cover up my flaws. Because they are a part of me. I have to accept that i am not perfect. (Its harder than you would think). 

Because at the end of the day, even though I have faults and ugly scars, I have a lot of love to give. 

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I may have mentioned a few times how much I hate the old “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” saying. Today, it popped up in my mind on the way to greet a mental intervention team from the county, dispatched to my youngest daughter’s middle school because she sent a suicide note to one of her friends. She’s 12.

As the gentlemen spoke to me in annoyingly hushed tones, I felt the hot tears  roll down my face. Yes, I knew she was having a hard time. That was why we tried an anxiety medication. 

I answered the man’s family history questions in dumb fashion as I listened to my daughter’s plan to kill herself. A .22 rifle. Or cutting herself. My stomach lurched as she showed me a long scar on her hip where she had tried cutting. 

Mom of the year. How do you not know what to do when your kid is so desperate to end the holes in their heart?

My ex barely said anything. Shocker.

God, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be strong for my kids anymore. I don’t ever know what the fuck I am doing half the time. Why am I being assaulted on every aspect of my life this year?!?!? When is it my turn to be comforted? When will someone be there to hold me when I fall apart? I have nothing left God. You have allowed levels of hell that I can’t comprehend in my life and I don’t fucking understand. You allowed my little girl to be bullied to the point of feeling like the world was better off without her…….

Please God, please, no more…….

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Yes, I totally made up “uber-Christian”. Get over it.

Fireproof took the Christian world by storm. It had decent acting, and a pretty good plot. Don’t get me wrong, I call myself a Christian, but the “happy Christian persona, is a gigantic turnoff for me.

I’m not sure where the Joel Osteen happy, happy, smile, smile, Christianity got started. But I find it repulsive. I don’t want to be told that I have to sing God’s praises when I am elbows deep in the hell of life. Or that I am responsible for this valley that I find myself in. 

That is where true egocentric thinking comes into play. We have a notion that God has orchestrated a perfect storm of life to sneak up on us and take us down. That will teach us.( Yeah, that sounds a lot more stupid here, than in my head. )

That being said, I saw “The Shack” last weekend. Why would I do that to myself you ask? Well, a girlfriend suggested it…..and then something came up last minute that left me there to experience the whole movie alone….

P.S. I will take this moment to caution you about seeing it. If you have experienced sexual abuse, kidnapping, or other traumatic events in your lifetime, bring Kleenex. And a friend.

Now that that is out of the way, this was a deeply moving movie. It was well made and well orchestrated. It touches on forgiveness and everything that results. It treats forgiveness as a process (I hate the word ‘process’) and not an event. As a matter of fact, it treats Christianity as a process and not an event. Which is good for me because I was brought up on the event and agonized  my eternal damnation every time I failed. (Which was a lot, btw).

The most poignant scene in ‘The Shack’ for me was when Wisdom tells the main character to choose one of his children to go to heaven and one to go to hell. Without giving away the end of the movie, the main character (and me, blubbering in my seat like a child) realizes that God sent His son so that He wouldn’t have to choose either. Cue more tears. (Another reason I hate ‘feeling’ movies)

Did it solve my problems? No. 

Did it make me want to do a Bible study over it? Hell no.

Did it make me want to forgive everyone in the world? Um no.

Did it give me a better understanding of God and who He is? Yes. I finally get it. I ‘get’ why people refer to him as ‘Father’. Am I going to call him that now? Probably not. But that’s ok. I get it. 

And THAT is what makes a sappy Uber-Christian movie a GOOD movie.

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As divorce gets finalized with settlement negotiations, a close friend of my quite bluntly told me that I need to “Let people help you. Swallow your pride and let people help you!”

Pride is a hard swallow. I know I am not a fan. There is something primal about ‘taking care of yourself’ or the ‘I can do it’ phrase. At least it is for me. 

No one better tell me that I can’t. Mostly because I tell myself that on the hour. But back to swallowing pride, I started to feel panic just thinking about it. God has a way of not asking our opinion before, during, or after our struggles. 

I am struggling and I know it. I don’t want to give in and fold. But I can’t do it alone. And really, I don’t have to. God didn’t make us islands. He made us dependent on one another. I just need some ketchup……

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Divorce. The big D-word.

It takes a lot for some marriages to get to that point. Some marriages it seems to take very little.

For me, 17 years of a relationship is no little thing. I had a notion that women who didn’t get physically assaulted or got cheated on,  had no business getting a divorce. 

Yet here I am. Filing for a divorce.

After two years of trying everything to find my husbands heart and personality, I realized that the cost to my own personality and the cost to my children, was too great.

No, I don’t make a lot of money. I don’t have a big support system. But I do know, that I can do this. I have to. So as bills mount, responsibilities increase, and my own fears take on a life of their own; I remember the Bible verse Psalm 121 “I lift my eyes to the hills from wence my help comes”

I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know that God is with me.

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