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Archive for the ‘Anxiety’ Category

This is the scariest four letter word on the planet.

Being lonely post-divorce was (what I thought) the worst feeling ever. It is not.

The worst feeling is when you feel a familiar warmth inside your soul and you realize in horror that it isn’t heartburn.

Then you completely have a freakout moment of panic, hysterics, and crying. You freak out because you realize that if you accept this warmth and allow it to grow, you have to accept the following:

1) You have allowed someone into that frosty interior.

2) Said person has overcome every security system that you put onto place to avoid a painful arguments, broken hearts, potential divorce situations and so forth.

3) You have just realized that you had a weakness in your security and this guy found it. AND that asshole defrosted a whole area of your heart………and you like it…..

Then the panic starts to morph.

What if you really like this guy and it falls apart after three months?!?! Then what?!?!

What if the excitement is clouding all your judgement and you end up with a psychopath?!?!?!

What about the kids?!? What if they get invested?? What kind of a parent does that make me?????

What if I end up in the same mess as before ?????

WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!?!

Why do I want this feeling so much? Why does he make me so happy?!?!

I heard something a few weeks ago that took me a second to figure out. It was me laughing out loud. It was me, like the real me. Not any of my personas. By that I mean, it wasn’t my ‘mom’ hat, or my ‘wife’ hat, or my ‘caregiver’ hat. I didn’t have a hat. It was me. I don’t know ‘me’.

The last few weeks have taught me a lot about myself. Things that I didn’t know.

I like to laugh. Shockingly, I like to have my hand held. I actually like eye contact. I like to hear him laugh. I like to be called all those ridiculous pet names that I made fun of years ago. And you know what? I love that he loves everything about me.

Turns out that being cherished isn’t just in the movies. Its real. Guys, its REAL!!!!

And you know what, it is terrifying. It is terrifying but I am willing to take all of the risks that I am freaking out about. Because the real me, likes to be cherished; and the real me, decided that that, is ok.

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The hardest part of a divorce from a long term spouse is the little things. The balance of your own quirks. 

I think it would have been easier to have hated each other when we separated. But we didn’t. We still know each other’s weak points. 

The hardest thing is hearing that it is exhausting to talk to me sometimes because  it is impossible to know just what I mean without a lot of questions. (What did I expect, he is an attorney). I already know how difficult it is for me to express how I feel or what I mean 98% of time. And to be told that it just isn’t worth figuring out what I mean, just kind of hurts. I took it for granted that I didn’t have to work too hard at expressing myself because my spouse really didn’t give a shit.

I apologized without even thinking about it. Without even considering that maybe he was just having an off evening and just snapped. Or was tired. Anxiety makes me over analyze EVERYTHING. Which I apologize for too. 

It IS hard to know what I mean all the time because I don’t even know what I mean half the time. It’s hard to realize that I need a thicker skin. And it’s hard to admit that I miss anything of my old life. 

Because really, I am just frustrated and exhausted. And I apologize when I don’t need to. And I don’t make sense all the time. And I realize that that is irritating. And that’s ok.

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Nothing says ‘train wreck’ more than a single female about to go on a date.

The wardrobe changes. Make-up changes. Crying. Why? Because those are physical representations of the war going on in my head. I love the comedies that have a good Angel and a bad angel on a person’s shoulders. It’s a fairly decent representation. When you have anxiety, you have 10x the ‘angels’ on your shoulder. Really it is all the criticisms that you have received in your life that stay on repeat. 

“You look like a hooker” “You will never be happy” “You deserve what you get” “You are too fat” “You are too old to be dating again, what are you thinking?!” “You are the parent, how can you give your daughter relationship advice when you don’t even know what the hell you are doing?” “You deserve to be alone” “You are way too weird to be dating” “You only get one soulmate in your life” “You suck at love” 

Yay Anxiety!!

So, I have changed clothes 4x. I have redone my makeup 4x. Cried 2x. Taken a nap to avoid being too tired.

Made mental notes about what not to talk about: 

1) Don’t talk about your ex.

2) Don’t talk about your love of office supplies i.e. Colored pens, post its, file folders, and fancy paper clips.

3) He hasn’t been married or had kids so that’s out. 

4) Don’t talk about the hell that has been this last year.

Great. So that leaves laundry, the weather, and sports. 

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s gonna be fine!

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