What is worse?

I have been pondering honesty in relationships for a long time. No surprise there.

Recently though I have been thinking about the relationship dynamic in terms of what makes relationships last. There is a certain level of ‘dishonesty’ expected and labeled as ‘tact’ that longterm relationships need. Women are notorious for feeling physically imperfect and questions of ‘How do I look’ require a certain level of ‘tact’.

I am at a point in my current relationship where I have learned the ‘tells’ of my partner albeit a long distance arrangement.

I am certainly not about to tell him what they are.

I am insecure for a number of reasons. (Too many to name here). With the events that have occurred in the last two weeks, I have been overwhelmingly sad, vulnerable, and honestly just feeling lost. So a dishonest moment is only going to be magnified x 1000. And it was.

If I hear from you constantly, a drop in that interaction is going to signal something. Logical.

Don’t tell me that you were just too tired.

I am not stupid.

This is 2020. You aren’t off grid.

Don’t. Just don’t.

Nobody wants to be a convenience to someone else. Nobody wants to be made a fool of. Nobody wants to be a joke.

Idk what is worse. The lie? The ease of executing the lie? The fact that he is with someone else when I was under impression that that was over? Or the fact that I am a fool for hoping that this was a relationship that was finally real?

Quite frankly, all those options seem to suck balls.

~ by goddess4ever on December 3, 2020.

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