I said goodbye.

Last week I joined my siblings, my cousins, my aunts, my 2nd cousins, my niece, my nephews, and many others in saying goodbye to my grandmother’s earthly body.

It was the most painful process I have ever gone through.

The first major wave of grief hit as I walked into and right back out of her house. I dropped in the driveway and became the embodiment of the ugly cry. My chest seared with pain (I guess from sharp intakes of air and wracking sobs). Tears, saliva and snot mixed everywhere, I am not sure where it began or ended.

Side note: my sisters used to joke that I had no feelings at all, this is the most they have ever seen me cry. Honestly, it is probably the most I have ever cried in my entire life.

I was there so long that I couldn’t feel my feet anymore. I spent the next two hours on the back porch just trying to get it together.

The next day the next wave hit. At the funeral. The viewing. There is a portion of us that can convince ourselves that something isn’t real if we can’t see it. Yet, there she was……

I thought I was good. I was pretty sure I had no tears left.

My Grandma would tease me about my name. That I was Grace, but that I was also amazing. That they were synonymous with each other.

The first song in the service………….yeah.

Amazing Grace.

Kleenex doesn’t get enough credit for their product. I used the same kleenex a LOT that day. It was damp but it kept taking it.

I thought that was it. I can’t cry anymore. I can barely see out of my face for God’s sake.

The burial. This funeral home did something different that I had never seen before. They had the family each come by and touch the coffin, as stamps on a passport, to send the loved one on their way.

I have never been so broken in my life. My Grandma, my hero. My defender. My encourager. My teacher. My comforter. My cheerleader. She is gone.

She believed that I could do anything. She believed that I deserved to be loved without reservations. She believed that I had worth.

My grandmother was buried the 1 year anniversary of my Papaw’s death. Both of whom where the cornerstones of my life.

My foundation has now been shattered by death. Time will wash away the ruins and that foundation will be forgotten like all of the foundations before.

I said goodbye…..

~ by goddess4ever on August 17, 2020.

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