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Archive for April, 2019

Madre de dios

Some weeks suck and others end up being an absolute bloodbath.

This week was a bloodbath. Between working 60+ hours, every-single-problem that could have happened, happened.

Did you know that an ink stamp that self inks, can come apart and get black ink EVERYwhere?

Did you know that sometimes you CAN actually be more effective than your IT guy?

Did you know that if you force a print job to be prioritized, it jacks with ALL of your pending jobs?

Did you know that I got my first lease renewal since I separated from my ex husband?

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Beef.

I had a 30 min conversation with my teenager this afternoon about beef and it wasn’t even the kind you eat.

I realized that I had reached a new low in intelligence when I heard myself say the words “Well honey, you didn’t create the beef, so don’t worry about it. She made the beef, it’s her beef, let her deal with the consequences.”

IT’s NOT EVEN MEAT!!! I am having a whole conversation on how the beef got there and what to do with the beef when it isn’t yours!!!

So now we’re ‘spilling tea’ on the ‘beef’. Where’s the beef? This chic has beef with my kid.

🙄

Beef. Omg.

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Today I hurt.

No one can prepare you for losing your spouse. No one can prepare you for walking the helpless path of watching them slip away from you without their support that you have had for years. You can’t tell them how lost you feel. You can’t go to that safe place because they were that safe place and it is just gone.

Easter is hard. We used to hide cascarones for the girls instead of candy eggs. They loved it. I used to fit perfectly under his arm and we laughed at the girls chasing each other around the yard.

Today I hurt.

Today the scar bleeds afresh. God, why did you have to take him from me?? You took him away and left me alone. You put me on the most painful path of my life. You made me watch the shell of my person disappear and left me with two confused children and the responsibility to do what was best for their safety and well being. You took him away.

You have left me drowning in pain and loneliness. How much longer? How much longer must I ache and put on a mask just to get through each day before I can have someone fill that hole??

I know that no one will fill the spot that my first husband left, I am not asking for that to be filled. No one can fill that.

I just want someone to laugh with and do life with. Sex would be cool too.

Today, I hurt.

Today, I miss my husband. June 3, 2015 seems like so long ago.

Today, I hurt.

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Work has been a roller coaster. There is finally light at the end of the tunnel. The torch has been passed and I have begun releasing all of those responsibilities to the new person.

The problem with being a work-A-holic is that when that stops, you start to feel.

All the emotions that you have been stuffing, start to bubble up. The loneliness. The hurt.

Through all of that, I received my first lease renewal. I have officially lived in this place longer than any place since I left my ex husband.

It is bittersweet. I never wanted to be alone this long. I miss the physical contact of the person that I love, but it isn’t worth the tremendous cost to my emotions. Sometimes I wonder why God can be so damn cruel. He dangled a carrot in front of me and it turns out to be wax fruit.

Maybe that is my punishment for leaving my ex husband. A sentence of heartache and loneliness.

Goodluck doll. You’ll need it.

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My mom used to have a name for us when we were contagious, Typhoid Mary.

I am dating myself by even mentioning it. Anyway, this guy that I have still managed to keep talking to even though our dates were disasters, got sick this weekend and I texted him this morning calling him Typhoid Mary.

Omg, you would have thought I cut his balls off. (Not sure he has any anyway but whatever). I know men are babies when they are sick, but omg dude…..

Apparently, I questioned his masculinity. Well dude, I am DEFINITELY questioning it NOW.

🙄

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I would have been married 18 years.

I did not think it would hurt this much.

I got two beautiful kids out of the deal…..

But I lost who I am. I lost a man who loved and cherished his family; who loved and cherished me. I lost a mother-in-law whose loss I was never able to grieve. My children had to grow up faster than they should have.

I feel like I wasted 18 years of my life fighting for a marriage that should have ended years ago.

My heart aches……

My heart misses having a partner. Someone to laugh with. Someone to put their arms around me while I watched the sunset over our property. Someone who reminds me that I left the light on in the kitchen on my way to bed.

My heart aches……

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Just. Wow.

This week has been awful. I feel like I held a grenade and had to hold it while it went off.

And tonight, I got hit with an overwhelming wall of grief from who knows where.

So I am wide awake for the 8th consecutive night. Only tonight, my heart just bleeds and aches so deeply.

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