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Is ‘single’ a crutch?

I am not a fan the effort it takes to evaluate and re evaluate myself in order to find a relationship and maintain one.

I am in love with someone that I cannot have. Someone that I would do anything for and he isn’t in a place to want that with me. Which is whatever. I would rather not make someone else miserable.

Because my heart is stupid and trying to ‘find herself’ I am trying to go through the motions and maybe my heart will catch up. Maybe being single gave my brain an ‘out’ so I didn’t have to try to move on.

Instead, I hold hands wishing they were someone else’s hands. I kiss hoping when my eyes open, I see someone else. After we meet for dinner or lunch, I go and ugly cry my way home.

I give up trying to understand. I give up the midlife crisis of wanting someone that I have true chemistry with. It is time to put that stupid girl back in her box and close the lid. “Your heart is a lying traitor.” I whisper to her as I tape up the box. “Throw the crutches away and grow the hell up.”

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~ by goddess4ever on March 22, 2019.

2 Responses to “Is ‘single’ a crutch?”

  1. Good for you! Focus on this new person. When you stare into his eyes think about how pretty they are dont think about the other dude. It will get easier and better just takes time.

    Like

    • Chemistry either exists or it doesn’t. It is an instant occurrence and even if you fake it in the beginning, it is not sustainable.
      There is a lot to be said for someone that you connect with on a deeper level. Sure, you can have a relationship that is beige just so you don’t have to be alone, but I don’t want beige.
      I don’t want easy.
      I want real.
      Real love isn’t a pretty ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ episode.
      Real love is a freaking train wreck that you get to live through with your person.
      I would rather talk to him about how the train severed some guy’s pinkie toe than choose a pretty dress.

      Like

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