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Archive for March, 2019

The table cloth trick

The trick is to rip the cloth out from underneath the place settings without murdering anyone, or breaking any dishes.

It is rarely done successfully.

It was done successfully last week and I have been completely disarmed by it.

I am used to wearing armor and taking potshots from people. I am used to a dating world shitshow. I am used to having to try to contain my anxieties, only to have them explode later in a psycho rainbow.

A young man has stuck around after the psycho rainbow; effectively yanking the tablecloth out from under the dishes. It wasn’t that he took the rainbow and accepted it, because he didn’t. He challenged it. He questioned it. He talked about it.

And then he gave me his hand…….

Anyone who truly knows me, knows how big of a deal this is. The tablecloth is off the table and no one got hurt.

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The latest headline from my dating failures. His famous last words.

I have news for all of you men out there, I KNOW I over-complicate everything. I live with the consequences of my over-complicating every damn day of my life. I am WELL aware that I over-complicate.

It is not a sign of trust issues and over-complicating to not want you all up on me during the first date, or the second date. And if I am flinching when you get in my space: learn how to read body language, buddy.

I am 38. I am a single mom. I was homeschooled for 99% of my gradeschool life.

Yes. I over-complicate.

I don’t want to get my heart ripped out again. I don’t want to connect to someone if they aren’t equipped for my complications.

I don’t want to fight a war with myself and my baggage to look up and see that no one is around, because I was ‘too much’.

I am tired of having to work so hard on my ‘too much’ only to find out; I was never enough to begin with.

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I’m not ready.

I felt like I was just getting over ex husband issues until my daughter called me this evening to tell me that her Dad has been in the hospital all week and she has been with his family because they didn’t want me to know and ‘be worried’.

Words cannot express the multiple waves of emotion that I have been inundated with in the last few hours. Mostly sobbing grief.

This is only going to get worse. I am not ready to guide my kids through this alone. I have sucked at doing this so far. This kind of thing will become more frequent. This sucks.

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The dating scene has changed a lot since I did it the first time. Add the ‘single-mom’ moniker to it and it really becomes a shit show. One of my interactions led to a conversation with my almost 17 year old daughter about kissing. It went something like this:

17- “Why do guys want to make out anyways, its disgusting!”

Me-“Obviously you haven’t kissed someone who is good at it.”

17-“Mom. There is nothing enjoyable about kissing. Like ‘get your tongue out of my mouth, wtf.’ Its disgusting. They either try to dislocate a tonsil, or I end up with drool on my face and I don’t know whose it is but either way its gross.”

I am laughing so hard at this point.

Me- “Well, it is hard to find someone who is good at it. The best kisser I ever had was not your Dad, although he came in a not-so-close second.”

17- Stares at me from the side “Mom. For real.”

Me- “I am being for real. There are a lot of bad kissers out there.”

17- “I just don’t see how you can enjoy counting someone’s tastebuds. Like wtf is that? That’s how you get mono and strep throat.

Then your noses touch and there’s breathing weird and what even is that? Do you open your eyes or not?”

At this point, I am crying from laughing so hard.

17- “Really, no one needs to be making out. If someone wants to make out with you, run.”

I have to say, this bodes well as a mom, that she hasn’t met someone who breaks that experience expectation. She is soooooo definitely my child. The scientific ‘observe and report’ nature of her experiences are hilarious.

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Well B.Gee, that was the shortest almost relationship in my history of almost relationships.

Ladies, you are killing me in the dating department!! How many of you are really putting out on the first date??? Second date???? Like for real??? Ya’ll are killing me!!

I even give a disclaimer BEFORE my first date: “I don’t have sex within the first few dates. Period!”

Don’t even try with the “Well, physical contact is very important to me…”

Bitch, it’s important to me too!!! But I refuse to do it within the first few dates because I get my heart ripped out EVERY time.

Why do guys have to be like that?? Am I really so old that dating has changed THAT much? Am I delusional in thinking that real substantive relationships exist? When did dating tip over to craigslist type flings?

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go eat my early bird special at Luby’s now. Hold my dentures.

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B.Gee

Sometimes life reaches up and slaps you across the face before it throws you down the stairs.

Other times, life sends B. Gee…..

B. Gee (Not really his name) made it to a second date. Barely kissed me because he was soooooo nervous and then couldn’t find his car (parked right next to me). Poor sweet guy.

Instead of texting my sister that I was about to walk out on the date before he got there (serious level 10 Anxiety); I texted him by mistake. So I had to show up. I muddled through conversation that I suck at, before I made up the fact that I had to pick up my daughter.

He is sooooooo sweet. I certainly don’t deserve anyone like him. (Pretty sure he doesn’t laugh when people fall, or walk into trees.) He was a perfect gentlemen and walked me to my car, kissed me on the mouth and spent five minutes looking for his car before realizing he parked right next to me.

It is cool to have a person feel like they have the best gift in the world just to be in your space. Even if it isn’t sustainable.

For a brief moment in time, he makes me feel special. And I really, really miss that.

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Months

For the first time in months I slept. A deep restful sleep. For the first time in months, I rested.

I wish we didn’t connect the way that we do. Theoretically, it would be so much easier.

You are my ground. My center. As far, and as fast as I trying to forget you, I cannot. I don’t remember the names of all the first dates the I have had this year. All of them, definitely, not worth the time or effort.

I still love you with all of my heart. Every time I see you, or hear from you, my world becomes ok again.

You ARE the love of my life. Don’t think that that doesn’t scare me, because it does. But living without you scares me more.

The power to be happy in life comes from inside of us and isn’t dependent on the people around us. People we love just add to the experience. I want you to be an integral part of my experience, but that is up to you.

In the meantime, it has been months since I have slept like this, so thank-you. 💋

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