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Archive for February, 2019

Today, I am not in the best place.

When I have had a shit day, I have always leaned on my significant other to remind me that it is ok. Today, I needed that more than most days.

I don’t feel like it should be too much to ask to have a person who looks forward to your existence in their life.

I don’t think it is unreasonable to have someone who says “I love you” or “I miss you” or “I thought of you today.” “You make my life better by being in it.” “Hi.”

I want to be that for someone else. Why is that too much to ask?

The world’s tiniest violin playing ‘my heart bleed’s for you’, my Grandma used to say.

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Oh Benji..

Do you remember being a kid and learning that Benjamin Franklin was an idiot and flew a kite in a storm and accidentally discovered electric currents?

That isn’t quite the story but the concept is there. The current.

I am a human battery of sorts. I take on stress and troubles that aren’t mine. I attract them without even trying. When I hug people, I can feel the transfer. (I know, I know, I can hear ya’ll now). Really?!?!?

Yes. Really. I feel their stress and troubles ease when I hug them.

I have been without a ground for many years now and I almost forgot what it was like to have a ground. My last real relationship was a grounding one. My ex husband was sometimes a ground. When he wanted to be.

Anyway, I was hugged today and it was an incredible relief to have been grounded. To have been seen and understood and accepted in that moment and then to have transferred that energy away.

Benji, thank-you for understanding all those years ago…..

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Smooth move

Do you ever forget that people can see when you look at their social media?

I do. Frequently.

This time, I just wanted to see his picture. It didn’t occur to me until 5 min later that he would know….great. Smooth move dumbass.

I have pictures of him that I kept. Kept his number and name in my phone. But just had to look up his social media. Not sure what I wanted to see.

So I kick my ass again, for doing this to myself. And doubly kick myself for the parade of desperation and insane loneliness that I just delivered right to him.

Why can’t I blame a millennial for this???

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Dear future guy

When you decide to come into my life, I need you to know that I go all in.

I don’t play games. If you get my heart, I want yours.

I love hard.

I have been damaged. I have scars. I have been broken. I will give you all of my pieces. I will love you with all that I am.

My heart was meant for you to love. I have always known that I thrive with my special person. I won’t settle. I have felt the truest, and most passionate of loves. I will not settle. I am waiting for you to show up at my door. I am waiting for you, just you.

Please…..

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Dating nightmares.

Welcome to yet another edition of Dating Nightmares!

I am your hostess and resident test dummy.

On today’s edition we are reminded how important it is to find a male who 1) has/watched/seen a child/adolescent at least once in his life.

As we endured an awkward coffee, my oldest text me to say that she would need to be picked up fairly soon. I conveyed my apologies to this gentlemen (we will use that term loosely today) and let him know that I needed to end our hour and a half meeting. He replied “Are you kidding? Call her an Uber.” He was not joking.

My mouth dropped open and he said “Seriously, this isn’t Columbia; she won’t be kidnapped and held for ransom drug money..”

I had no words. I could have swallowed a bug as wide open as my mouth was.

I said “Well, thanks, its been a pleasure.” And I left him sitting there to find another stupid bitch to date.

Call her an Uber……….

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My babies.

Kids are always the greatest casualty of divorce. My children are no different.

I picked up my youngest from her dad’s. My oldest wanted to see the dogs so she went too. My ex-husband decided to make a couple remarks to my oldest about her shortcomings. My heart broke as I watched her shutdown completely.

That was not a function of our divorce though. It was the cause of our separation. The callous putting down of her every effort. Like she was a failure.

The ride home was strained and she snapped at her sister and when we got to our apartment, she locked herself in her room.

Both of my daughters are everything to me. I never wanted to separate them. I never wanted to have one daughter in one place and one in another.

I left both girls a stuffed animal on their bed this evening for Valentine’s day.

I can’t fix this. I can’t give them the dad that I should have given them in the beginning. I can’t take the hurt away. I can’t fix the scars. I love my girls and I broke them…….

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Miss You.

O.A.R. “Miss You”

I have done a lot of thinking lately after my baby sister told me that I was grieving what could have been, over what was. She was right.

I took the handful of visits to my last relationship and have hurt over them harder than I ever have. I couldn’t figure out why they held such a hold on me until now.

He got me. He got me better than anyone ever had. It was a connection that I had heard about but never been a part of. That was over a few visits, OF COURSE it was everything I wanted! I torture myself on a daily basis over how hard it is for me to connect with people. He got me.

That is the loss that I am grieving. I didn’t have to explain my weirdness. I felt like a normal person.

I don’t fault him for running. I never realized that because I viewed him as perfect, I created an ideal that he could never live up to. Sometimes there is no explaining that you just need them. You don’t need perfect. You need someone who gets you. That is what made it perfect.

He got me.

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