Free fall is over. Now what?

I am not sure where to go from here. Four years of a free fall is finally ending.

I am starting to look around to see where I. Assessing the damage.

I am not the same person I was 4 years ago. Like not even on the same side of the planet. Its not that I have morphed into an amazing person. I haven’t.

I have been stripped. Stripped of a lot of bullshit. Less likely to put up with people who don’t want to actually live. I want to LIVE my life. Not just be in it. Not just exist.

I didn’t go through the worst moments of life and loss, to do or to be anything less than who I am at my core. Take or leave it. (It is ok, most people leave it.)

I don’t think mourning my losses will get easier. Nor will the pain in my scars cease. The pain and deep aching just become familiar. Like that relative who never shuts the hell up.

It is ok to love someone who doesn’t love you. It is ok to know that you will never be together. It is ok to know that you were made for each other. It is never ok to apologize for your identity.

Idk where I am going from here, but I do know that it will be a solo journey. And that is my choice. My choice to never settle for mediocrity.

Yes. I miss you so much. I love you with every breath in my body.

But I don’t miss being an afterthought. I don’t miss the deep seated knowledge that I wasn’t ever going to be enough.

It hurts to know all that we could have been. It hurts to feel that potential crushed in front of me because of fear. Maybe one day I will understand why.

Now, I pick up the pieces and start moving forward.

~ by goddess4ever on January 14, 2019.

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