It is so not fair.

I miss you. I am tired of missing you.

I am tired of the bottomless ache. I can’t delete your number. I can’t delete your picture. I am tired of remembering that no matter what I bring to the table, it is automatically written off as nothing.

I am tired of telling myself that no matter what my instincts tell me, you were too afraid to take a chance. Too afraid to commit. Tired of remembering how seamless talking to you is. How I don’t have to explain my sarcasm.

I am tired of trying to go on a date and writing the poor sap off because when he walks through the door, he isn’t you.

I am so tired of not being able to turn these feelings off. I can’t be in control of this and it drives me absolutely crazy. I don’t understand why this is so difficult. I can walk away from a 17 year marriage but I can’t let you evaporate.

I am tired of wanting you to be a part of my life. Wanting to tell you jokes or stupid things that have happened because I know you will ‘get’ it.

I am tired of realizing that I love you and I can’t change that, no matter why you shut me out.

So congratulations. Even after everything, you still win. You still dominate my thoughts, memories, and dreams. Its pretty pathetic. I. Miss. You.

~ by goddess4ever on January 4, 2019.

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