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Archive for December, 2018

Holiday Blues

Holidays seem to hold an undercurrent of sadness now more than in years past.

This year especially. Seeing my ex husband more like his old self and yet that spark, that himness is still gone. It still hurts. I have spent a lot of time wondering if I did the right thing in leaving over this last year. I did. But the good parts, I miss.

I miss not being alone all the time. I miss him telling me how he has no idea how I can get flour all over the kitchen when I bake. I miss being loved. I miss making someone laugh.

I have unfriended three people in the last week for propositioning me. “To help me out”. What is wrong with people???? I don’t want sex!!! I want to be loved. Why is that so hard to understand???????

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Being alone sucks.

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Passing the baton…

Today I continued the training process for my last job’s position. Seven months after I announced that I was leaving.

I can’t help but feel waves of sheer panic as I let go. What if I can’t keep going? What if something happens? What if I need a fall back plans?

I am exhausted. I am ready to cook for my kids at night. I am ready to sit on my back porch at night.

I am ready to freaking sleep. It is hard to let go of something that got me up out of the darkest valley in my life.

I think it is time.

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It absolutely blows my mind that every male assumes that because you are now single, that they are doing you a favor by offering NSA sex. Yes. Totally my favorite.

Please show me how little you think of me and how little you value you me and my needs.

Please remind me that I am not worth the investment of time, love, or basic human decency.

By all means, assume that I have nothing else to do besides waiting for you to contact me.

And always compliment me on my physical appearance, further cementing the level of respect you have for me.

Yes. I am divorced. Yes, I am starved for affection right now. But that does NOT mean that I deserve to be treated like a toy. Yes, I have needs that are not being met right now. But don’t confuse that with needing your services, because I don’t. So find another toy.

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2018 in review.

We moved into a stable apartment.

We went to several concerts.

We tried new food, festivals, community events, and dancing.

We emerged from the hardest years of our lives and started living again.

We blew glass. Went antique shopping. Cooked. Worked many jobs. Pretty much stayed outside of my comfort zone ALL year.

I got my heart shattered. Again. But I experienced a love that I didn’t think existed. Totally worth it.

Learned a lot about my kids and myself.

This year was about clawing our way out of the depths. And we did so. It wasn’t pretty but some of the views were hella amazing. Cheers to you 2018!!

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All I wanted.

All I wanted was you.

I never wanted money. Fame. Worship.

I wanted you.

I did not want you to do anything, or be anything.

I wanted you.

I wanted to be wanted, as much as I wanted you. You couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

I wanted you. But you pushed me away.

I wanted to be in your space. You chose a handful of times to allow me closer than arms length.

I didn’t want to use you. I wanted to enjoy living life with you. Instead you shattered my heart.

All I wanted was you. But you didn’t want me.

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ADHD- Bear with me

I am between ADHD meds at the moment so my mind wanders all over the place. This latest venture began when I had to pick up papers from the courthouse. Security is always a ball to go through. I got to thinking about how funny people are.

When it comes to being undressed, or searches by security, for them, seeing someone naked isn’t an issue because their eyes are looking for something specific. Like a weapon. I still feel the need to apologize for my physical appearance. You just feel exposed and it is an odd occurrence.

Several years ago, I received acupuncture and had to get undressed. The lady ran her hand over some of my worst stretch marks and said “Wow!! You have some beautiful goddess lines” I blinked. “What do I have??” She explained that stretch marks are called goddess lines. It struck me oddly that someone would be so enamored with my body that I viewed as horribly scarred.

I never ever liked sex in light for that reason. It is funny how we get. It is the worst part of dating I think. The only person I have really been intimate with since the divorce, didn’t seem to mind my body too much. Even seemed to enjoy it. I know I enjoyed his. It is funny how self conscious we get about ourselves and we never put anyone else through that kind of torture. If you put someone through that, you are a horrible person btw.

I miss being loved just for me. I want to be able to focus on being with the opposite sex for awhile. Sex with someone who truly loves you, is phenomenal. Everyone should have that once in their life. The only problem is that when you lose it, no one ever measures up.

People are funny. But 98% of them are exquisite bodies complicated by emotions, pride and expectations. Their hearts wash away any scars, defects, imperfections, or issues. I truly believe that. I want someone else to believe that too.

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