goddess4ever's Blog

Today, kharma reared its beautiful head and took down the bitch who fired me a year and a half ago.

I sat in silence as I have read that message over and over today. And here is my prepared statement to her:

“Well bitch, how does it taste? I hope you receive a 10th of the anxiety, fear and sorrow you have created for the employees who have fallen under you.

I still have the cross that ironically fell off of the wall in front of you and broke in two, as you walked by my office. I have kept it to remind me to fight: every time I wanted to give up; every time I wanted to take my life because I couldn’t provide the barest necessities for my kids; every set back; every curveball that was thrown at me: I have kept those two pieces. The inscription on that cross is “Amazing Grace”. That’s right bitch. I have succeeded beyond your pathetic existence and surpassed anything you will ever achieve in your miserable life.

The four employees who were cruelly and wrongly treated under you, are toasting your termination this evening. Kharma is SUCH a bitch!”

Sincerely,

Me

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As much as you broke my heart, you taught me.

You taught me that I needed chivalry.

You taught me that I needed a protector.

You taught me that I was unique.

You taught me that I was deserving of love.

You paved the way for a person who would willingly be all of those things for me.

You broke down my defenses from the inside for the person who has what I never believed that I deserved.

I understand why you and I didn’t work. We weren’t ever meant to. You were there to teach me some things about myself that I never expected to believe.

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I don’t understand why I miss you. This is so dumb.

I still miss you. After everything, I still miss you…..WTF!!!!

I don’t want to feel anymore.

I don’t want to be lonely anymore.

I don’t want my heart to want you anymore. I don’t want to be that stupid fool who loved someone who didn’t love me the same way.

But I am. I am that fool. And it still hurts. I still want you.

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Why??? Why do idiots always find you when you are at your lowest??????

Dear Covertly Cool, you are an asshole.

You are not covert nor are you cool.

I am not a Dom nor do I want to be. Why do you freaks have to be anywhere????? Every fucking where, UGH!!!!

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I took my daughter to see a Christmas Light Lighting on the downtown square tonight. It was a beautiful sunset….

Without thinking, I reached my hand out to hold his hand, only his hand wasn’t there. I jumped slightly realizing what I had done and shoved my hand in my jacket pocket.

My daughter caught me. She put her arm around me and said “It’s ok mom.”

I turned my head away so she couldn’t see the hot tears rolling down my face. I hate that I miss him so much. I hate that he meant more to me than I did to him. I hate that I was such a stupid fool. I hate that both girls can see that I am heartbroken.

It doesn’t matter how much you love someone. If they don’t love you back, you don’t have anything.

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Being alone is hard.

Today, after 20 years, I had Thanksgiving with my family. My parents.

It was hard.

Those who know me, understand how hard.

So many things have not moved. So many things are still exactly the same. Same dishes. Same silverware. Same stenciling in the kitchen. Too much. Too real. I choked back the panic as my father said grace using the same words and the same tone as he has for 38 years.

Conversation stayed fairly light and sarcastic.

I haven’t been able to relax since. Still reminding myself that its ok. Still reminding myself that I have free will. I love my family, but sometimes you just can’t go back home.

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Don’t tell her you love her, unless you mean it.

Don’t tell her you miss her. Unless your actions can prove it.

Text her. Even though you don’t feel like it, I guarantee, she thought all day and night about you; the least you can do is let her know that you are doing the same. Over and over. Tell her even though you told her yesterday. The day before and the day before that.

If you love her, fucking fight for her. It’s so easy to misunderstand people in our fast paced world. If she did something to piss you off, fine go blow off steam, but make sure when you come back, you talk about it. I guarantee you, she doesn’t want you to be miserable. She wants things to get better between you. Don’t shut down and shut her out.

I know, I KNOW you have been through hell and back. I know because I could feel it. Don’t laugh. You never had to tell me. I already knew the pain. I wanted you to tell me on your time but that didn’t happen for obvious reasons.

I knew when you said that you missed me, that it wasn’t sincere. I knew you said it because it was a habit. That isn’t a criticism. That is me telling you that it broke my heart; I knew in that moment that it was over.

When you start a relationship, it has to be real. You have to want it, to make it work. And by wanting it, you have to be invested in doing the work that it takes to be in it. Sincerity will wipe away almost every slight, scar, infraction. Because if she knows that you want her, if she knows that you love her with everything that you are, she isn’t going to go anywhere.

Don’t sell yourself short. You are an amazing guy. You are. She will be so lucky when you do decide to put both feet in. Please, as a favor to me; please put both feet in for her. You are worth the result.

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