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Archive for October, 2018

Why do I love you?

Why do I love you?

Selfish reasons really.

I love you because I didn’t know how dark and desolate my life was until you messaged me a year ago tomorrow.

Because I didn’t know that I could laugh out loud so many times a week, without even trying.

Because no one has ever looked at me the way that you look at me.

Because you never make me feel stupid or weird.

Because when I am with you, life enters a time warp.

Because you showed me parts of my soul that I didn’t think were real. You showed me that all the sappy feelings that I thought weren’t real, could all be felt in my heart.

I love you because you are yourself. Not for anything thing that you can do. I love you because you opened up my life with keys that I didnt know were there.

Because you love hard and completely.

My life doesn’t work right without you in it. My heart doesn’t feel right. My soul is lonely when we are apart. It is a strange feeling. I love you because you are one of a kind. 💋

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Is it worth it?

Putting yourself in a position to be hurt is scary. Terrifying.

By nature we avoid pain and discomfort. Primally programmed to protect ourselves, it takes a lot to put yourself into that position.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth the possibility that you will get your heart broken?

Is it worth becoming vulnerable to meet him and experience the greatest soul connection of your entire life?

Is it worth having arguments over stupid things for stupid reasons?

Is it worth misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger and frustration?

Yes.

Yes, it is worth it!!!!

It is worth the connection.

It is worth that complete intimacy that terrifies and electrifies.

It IS worth the scariest perfection that I have ever experienced.

It IS worth it!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

I bring all of me. The flaws. The broken pieces. The cracks and scars that you find beautiful.

I bring me. All I want, is you. The same flaws, imperfections, pieces and scars. You are perfect to me. You touch the part of my soul that no one has ever even seen. You.Are.Worth.It.

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But it didn’t.

Instead, I got to hear a conversation about me that I was never intended to hear and it cut me down at the knees.

Words cannot express the hurt, betrayal, and true humiliation in my heart right now.

The worst part is that I had made the decision that I made because I was so overwhelmed and expressed that.

Not only is the reputation and work that I had done worth nothing now, no one stuck up for me. And that hurt.

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Faith and Love

Faith is severely underrated when it comes to a relationship. It isn’t as important as trust, love, patience, loyalty and passion but a relationship cannot survive without Faith.

I am not talking about religious faith here, (although that is important too) I am talking about taking baby steps forward in a relationship that you know in your heart is right, even though it doesn’t look great on paper.

I am talking about believing that no matter what, you both have what it takes to make it work.

Believing that when the boxes, grids, engineers plans, fears, expectations, egos, and pride fall away you have two hearts that love each other and that is all you need.

It takes two people to carry that faith. Not always at the same time. But it helps.

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I am stubborn. There. I Said it.

I would rather add a new skill than pay someone good money for something that I should learn to do myself.

I fixed a perpetually running toilet all by myself today. (Applause)

But in the cleanup, I sliced my finger on the “theft proof” plastic retailers put everything in.

Not only that, I have re-opened this slice 2x today. So while I have a wonderfully water efficient toilet, the rest of my house looking like a fucking crime scene.

Bob Villa never covered this……..

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Face Value

Sometimes there is a great depth to people. Stories, love, pain, richness.

Other times, people really are only face value, one dimensional people.

I choose to believe in dimensions. I choose to believe that there are reasons for people to be the way that they are. Until I am hit in the face with it one too many times.

Sometimes I believe in the Thomas Edison persistence. Like really believe in it……. until the scars become too deep. The pain too much.

Sometimes, even I can’t look the other way….

Sometimes face value is all that you get.

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Intentions and Expectations

These are, in my opinion, the most heartbreaking words of the english language.

These words are the embodiment of our desires. Good or bad. The ideals of what we want our lives to be, or what we want others around us, to be.

I have a dinner tomorrow. One that I am very much looking forward to. I intend to have a wonderful visit. I have expectations of feeling nothing but the enjoyment of another person’s company.

Then there is reality. The cold hearted ice queen of the world, who laughs at the hearts and feelings of those that she crushes, on a daily basis.

Reality says ‘I see your intentions and expectations, fuck you.’ She hands you a life sandwich and walks away.

There are few rules for relationships. One rule that I have learned, is that no one gets to decide how that relationship works but the people engaged in it. Period.

Reality knows that I love this guy. More than I have ever loved anyone. There isn’t anyone else to have. She knows that my heart will ache for what isn’t and my soul will sob big ugly tears after he walks away.

My intentions are good.

Expectations are simple.

But Reality is a bitch.

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