Archive for August, 2018

So I let the first photoshopped photo slide

Definitely photoshopped

But the second….

You aren’t even trying at this point. My daughters can do a better photoshop job. Peace Out.

It was amusing while it lasted.


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Day 1 of Single Life 2.0

I rebelled my first day of singleness and slept through two alarms and drove into the office parking lot at the same time as my nemesis.

I really lived it up by working through my lunch hour.

I finished my workday at 8:30 pm because I’m single so wtf else am I going to do?!?

Then I ended the day by getting pizza and consoling my best friend and talked about the nightmares and fears our lives.

Living it up over here…….

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Mrs. To Ms.

It is done. Final.

I am divorced as of 10:20am this morning.

Mrs no more.

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The gift of sight

Sometimes you don’t appreciate what you have until it is in danger of being gone. Sight is one of those things. It is integral to who we are at a primal level.

Today I was told that I need to limit my night driving. It is the first major loss for me. I have a very rare condition called retinitis pigmentosa. Basically it is spicules of pigment on the retina. It ultimately robs you of your vision.

I am a young patient at 38 years of age with zero family history.

The optometrist shook my hand today after our visit. She said that she was very honored to know me. She said that it is rare to come across someone who has adapted and maintained functionality at my level.

For me, that means, that this is as good as my vision will ever get.

So today I am grateful for every sunset and sunrise that I have left.

For every loved one whose eyes I get to peer into.

For every flower, animal, emotion or child that I get to see.

Truly, I have been given a gift no matter how short it will be. Its still a gift.

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I freaking hate dating. Not gonna lie, there is literally nothing that I love about it.

Its exhausting. You chose pictures that you hope don’t make you look like you were born in a trailer park, or live in yoga pants.

You try to think of all the reasons that your ex didn’t hate you and you come up with two redeeming qualities: ‘frequent bathing’ and ‘has a job’.

Then you have to deal with all the creeps. The ones who want you for sex. Maybe not even for actual sex, maybe just pictures or something.

Once you get past that point, you get hardcore judgy. (Its a word because I made it up.) At my age, it isn’t so much the looks as it is “Why the fuck is he single right now?” I tell my best friend all the time “Everyone, no matter how amazing they seem, has a bag of fingernail clippings somewhere.” Basically, skeletons and/or badly packed baggage.

Right now, I am 80/20 in thinking I am talking to some chick in Nigeria who is pretending to be an oil prospecting engineer. Let’s be honest, I am 38, I am divorced with two teenagers: how am I going to end up with an Oil Prospector?

The reasons that I am almost certain he isnt real?

1) Allegedly born in Germany, grew up there, and somehow ended up in Central Texas. Could easily be true until you look at everything else.

2) Very heavy accent- I would almost bet Middle Eastern. Not German.

3) Pet name game WAY early…. ‘My pretty’ (Save that for the witch in The Wizard of Oz). ‘My angel’- clearly doesnt know me yet…..

4) Supposedly, his daughter lives in the states with his ex. Ok, seems plausible…..until you start thinking……who moves from Germany to BFE Kansas?? (Not trying to insult my Kansas readers, but c’mon)

5) Has moments where he seems to do fine with the language and then we take a detour to broken sentences and misspelling. I get it, I can’t spell at 3am.

6) This oil rig offshore of Dubai……… 14 hour days with no days off…… just gonna leave that one alone……

7) Writes me a love letter every night for me to read in the morning when I wake up. Apparently he picks a few love letters and sends me snippets- Thanks Google!!!!!

8) I have run the phone number, flagged his profiles, etc., everything checks out.

On paper it checks out. On paper, its a great gig. I am waiting for the scam. I am waiting for some ridiculous reason that he wants me to launder money. I don’t have time for this bullshit. In the meantime, I am playing along. Mostly because I want to see just sophisticated these people are. Would they really try that hard to snow me?? WHY??

So if you need your ‘pretty’, I am doing some laundry…….

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Wish you were here.

I miss your laugh.

I miss how every other word out of your mouth is four letters when you are annoyed.

I wish you were here to share this phase of my life with…

I can’t believe that heartbreak would STILL hurt this bad….. I wish YOU were here.

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In an industry of high stakes and high results, a new person gets their teeth smashed in pretty regularly. And the kidney punch. And the balls. Sometimes, many times all in the same day or even hour.

I am left wondering what skills I have at all. Am I smart? I sure AF don’t feel like it. Whatever the reason for being beat down so much, I am trying so hard to look for reasons to get up and out of bed in the morning. My smile is gone. I don’t really know what that is anymore. The level of exhaustion that I have is unprecedented.

Finally, a tiny tiny glimmer of sanity is coming….. an apartment………yeah a real one….. Thank you GOD…..,

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