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Archive for July, 2018

Why is being close to someone too much to ask for?

Why is it too much to ask to have someone to sit with you a couple times a week and just be close?

Or to talk or listen to?

To see?

To share hopes and dreams with?

To fail with?

I am not asking for someone to be perfect. I am just asking for a person to fucking be there.

That is what I want. A person. Not a perfect person. Just a person.

I want that heartbeat. His heartbeat. He isn’t perfect. I never asked him to be. I never wanted him to be.

I just wanted his presence. Just him.

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Plumbing

Well my best friend and myself, set out to fix plumbing this weekend.

We managed to install a garbage disposal and sink however we ended up flooding the house last night.

Every joint in my body hurts. Every muscle hurts. I have cried several times. Right now I feel every kind of defeated that there is.

I am so done. I am tired if trying so hard and losing. Just tired.

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I need to be broken

Right now, I want to be able to not be perfect for a little while.

I want to be held and told that it will be ok.

I just want to be safe from the world for a little while.

I want to cry and not be judged.

I just need to be broken for a little while.

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It doesn’t matter why

It doesn’t matter that you ended it because your heart was such a pussy it couldn’t handle loving someone who couldn’t love you back.

It doesn’t matter because it will keep hurting. It just won’t hurt in new ways.

It doesn’t matter because you don’t stop loving someone. Love doesn’t work that way.

It doesn’t matter because he will still be the person you hope walks in the door. Regardless of probability.

It doesn’t matter because he is still the person you think of when you see something stupid because you know he will appreciate it and laugh with you.

It doesn’t matter because you still obsessively check your phone 100s of times a day, like a fool.

It doesn’t matter because love doesn’t give a shit what you want, what your needs or wants are. You will still love him.

And it still won’t matter.

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Tech Week

Tech week at a theatre is always a shit show. No one gets sleep. Everything goes wrong. And as the week progresses, people get more and more short tempered, sleep deprived, angry, absent minded and it all lends to the chaos vortex of Opening Night.

Oh BTW-Opening Night happens to be Friday the 13th…….

The staff and crew start to look like an episode of The Walking Dead and start to get along more like the WWE Fight Night.

It doesn’t help that this is the biggest show of the theatre season. So big that the entire run is almost sold out and we haven’t opened yet.

Theatre is an interesting crowd of people, the predominantly creative among us who up the unpredictability of the evening exponentially. No one night is the same. Everyone has intense passion for what they do which can either mesh beautiful or combust in a spectacular fashion.

The temperatures have been in the 100s which does amazing things to stage makeup and costumes. Vodka becomes a necessary cleaning agent instead of a cocktail.

Ironically, the hurt feelings and temper tantrums seem to magically disappear at the last possible moment blending all the moving parts to the beauty of a well executed show.

Break a leg gang!! Actually, please don’t, it is Friday the 13th tomorrow!! Let’s not push it!!!!!

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Giving notice for work

Supposed to be exciting right? New opportunities, new pond……….sharks.

I am not even dead yet and the vultures are circling. The chick that originally left my position has returned to her place of business many many times since she left. And she hardcore surfaced today.

By hardcore, I mean she has her kids enrolled in the summer camp there and she sat in the main office all this afternoon. I haven’t left yet. I have two days left in office.

And OF COURSE she knows it because she couldn’t make eye contact with me at all and everyone was weird in the office. Whatever, it is whatever!! My job isn’t open, I am taking most of it with me but damn.

At least have the fucking decency to talk behind my back like every other intelligent person. She isn’t even trying to cover it up. She wants back in the middle of things so bad that it isn’t even funny.

I may just take tomorrow afternoon and Friday off and just be done with it. It isn’t the greatest feeling to have people turn on you, and I knew it was coming, it happens every time people leave there, but damn it.

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It isn’t knowing that the feelings weren’t mutual that hurts.

What hurts is knowing that they won’t ever be mutual.

It is reaching your hand out and knowing there is no one there.

Looking at the moon and knowing that no one is looking at it too.

Listening to music and knowing that you are not thought of when that song comes on.

Knowing that you put all of that onto one person and wondering why they aren’t there anymore. Seriously?!?! It is no wonder men don’t go on dates or want to be in a relationship.

I do know that my love is real. And it was for one person who was everything to me. He wasn’t ready.

I didn’t think I was either but he showed me different. He brought me through the worst year of my life. He made me laugh when I hadn’t heard my laugh in so long. Truly, he got me through the worst season of my life. I will always love him.

I have no more tears to cry and I can barely see out of my eyes from all the ones I have let escape today.

To any future man in my life………..yeah, good luck with that.

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