The brain & trauma

The brain is a fabulous creation. The ability of it to protect us from ourselves and what it thinks we can handle makes us extraordinary feats of biology.

The safety mechanisms release the holds when the brain believes that it can begin to process the trauma.

Today, I was smacked in the face with grief. Hard.

Facebook has a memories feature that has torn my world to pieces this week. I have sat many hours trying to figure out why this didnt happen the last two anniversaries of my Ex’s health events. Today, I read a post from three years ago that brought all of the fears and emotions back and added them to things I have been trying to get over for the last year or so.

I was reduced to tears. Gut wrenching tears. My best friend doing her very best to console me, asked me to just start talking and she would listen. I guess I had never told her some things because her mouth dropped open. She had tears in her eyes as she said “I had no idea.”

Truthfully, I had no idea either. I had no idea that I had been carrying all of this around with me. No idea that I had put myself on auto pilot to just get my kids through the year. Then two. Then the divorce and a college degree.

For the first time, I am able to understand why I have been so angry, so hurt, so beaten down. Because he chose.

He chose to quit. He chose to ignore the signs. He chose to turn his back on one child and not the other. He chose to shut me out. For two years he chose every single day to shut me out. He chose.

I didn’t get that luxury. Our daughters did not get to choose.

After all the tears and grief, I can finally let go.

It is time.

~ by goddess4ever on June 13, 2018.

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