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Archive for June, 2018

Little sisters

Little sisters are special.

It isn’t often that they get to be smarter than the oldest, but when they do, they sure do make it count.

Sometimes it is ok to show your weakness, fears, and tears. It is ok to be vulnerable. Even to your little sister.

When I was a kid, I could not cry in front of my sisters. It upset them so much. I was their protector. There was no one for me to lean on so I learned how to stuff my fears and anxieties.

Now? Now, I am a mess. But my little sister doesn’t care that I am a failure.

She loves me anyway. She has so much that I can learn from.

She is strong.

She loves unconditionally.

She wears her tears with honor.

I want to be my baby sister when I grow up!

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Soulmate

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It is magic.

Magic shows are the epitome of deception and surprise. It challenges what you see with what you know.

Life is one big magic show.

There are surprises; Babies, proposals, birthday parties, etc.

There is slight of hand; trying to make your kids eat vegetables without their knowledge, the ‘mom’ clock where 5 min is either 10 min or 2 min, tooth fairy acrobatics, and Santa Claus’ annual visit.

Smoke in mirrors; being nice to in-laws, facebook wars, pissing contests, and hair salon gossip.

Occasionally, you get sawed in half. I have. A few times. Divorce, being fired, and any major life event that grabs your heart and throws it on the floor.

In the mind’s eye, we believe what we see. Our hearts however, possess the only ‘override’ switch that there is.

We may see a hand holding our own. Logic tells us that it looks familiar…..the heart flips the switch and says ‘No, this feels safe, I want to stay here.’ The heart is a fool.

When the black cloth is pulled away, the mirror shows us that we have been holding our own hand the entire time. Over time, that switch will be harder and harder to flip, if at all.

One big magic show.

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Final Draft

The final draft of the divorce decree is finally here.

It is so hard to not be petty. So hard. Obviously, thousands of people have gone through a divorce judging from the 21 pages.

I love how attorneys pay zero attention to what you have said previously. Or agreed on previously.

I am not changing my name back.

A- My kids have that last name

B- I was married 17+ years- pretty sure I earned it.

C- I HATED my maiden name with a passion.

Then there are the clauses that I feel should be a given “Don’t marry a sex offender.” Pretty sure that wasn’t even on my list but thanks for adding the clause that states that I shall notify my ex 15 days after marrying said sex offender.

Super well thought out, that clause.

I kind of feel like adding a clause about not importing a spouse but there I go being petty.

Then the clauses about visitation…..my favorite. Nothing says “We could not have failed more at life, please allow us to jack up our kids too,” like a visitation schedule.

I have never felt more alone and more like a complete failure than I do right now.

A 21 page document. That is what my last 17 years is worth. A 21 page document on 20 cents worth of paper.

And my name isn’t my own apparently.

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Father’s Day

Yet another father’s day has come in my torn family. Yet another day of seeing the pain on one daughter’s face as she sees her dad and completely shuts down.

I promised her that I won’t take her back to our old home. Not anymore.

I can’t make her dad care for her existence. I can’t gripe at him for not caring for his own existence. His feet now showing visible signs of diabetes issues and the tremors in his right hand are hard not to notice.

I swallow the frustration boiling up inside knowing how another health event is going to destroy both girls. There is so much hurt and much anger.

We came home and my oldest made cupcakes on her own. She is so frustrated and hurt that her father wouldn’t speak to her. I agreed to let her spend the night with one of her friends who also doesn’t have a present father figure.

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Care & Instructions

When I was little, clothes came with a little tag that said ‘no bleach’ ‘do not dry’, very basic instructions. These days you might have two or three tags with ‘Care & Instructions’ as just the title of the tag.

As I have evolved as an adult, my care & instructions have also gotten more specific. I have learned what I can and cannot deal with. Early on it was basic ‘no cheating’. Well cool. I didn’t marry a cheater so I should have been happy right?

Pfff, wrong.

Now my Care & Instructions are more complex.

Love me. Don’t just love me, tell me. Show me what that looks like in your world.

Talk to me

Take an interest in who I am and what I want in my life.

Hold me. Often.

Allow me to do the same for you. This is important.

Let me be a part of your world and not just a spectator. My ex husband kept me apart from his life. I get it. It is much safer that way. You can’t get hurt. This is why we fell apart.

My care and instructions are fluid. They change with me but the premise stays the same, much like the chores of washing clothes. Sometimes you need more or less care. But the basic care is that I want to matter to someone.

I want to be the reason that they smile sometimes. Not all the time. I am not that self centered. I love hard. I love with every fiber of my being. And it doesn’t take a lot to get, once you make it past the walls. I have staying power. I don’t want multiple owners. Just one. And I love him more than anything in the world.

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Stupid arguments

I hate to argue. With a passion.

It doesn’t help that I come from a family of die hard arguers.

In the last decade, I have learned through my collegiate experience the art of arguing. You might think this is a good thing. It is not.

When you argue with people who do not understand nor subscribe to this art, you invite theoretical self-inflicted wounds such as, stabbing your eye with a pencil.

Today, I got into such an argument with my siblings; as I do only when I forget how hazardous it is to my health.

The usual family points making their appearance:

“If Timmy jumped off a bridge, would you still do it?”

“Its just furthering the Liberal Agenda”

“Get rid of the rapists and pedophiles and there won’t be a problem”

“It’s because God isn’t in our schools anymore”

And my personal favorite

“Because I said so”

What were we talking about? The HPV vaccine.

I don’t care what your stance is on any issue. I do however, expect you to have a solid foundation for that stance.

Why do you believe it?

And I expect you to back it up. But do NOT deflect, substitute, or attack your way out of it. THAT garnishes zero respect from me.

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