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Archive for May, 2018

I am a great wall builder. I am great at defense mechanisms. I am a stellar fortress for my heart.

Except….

I have let the man that I love in. For honestly, the first time in my life. No one has ever been this far into my heart. Not even my ex husband of 17 years.

I am not sure what that says about me. It could say that I have finally heeled enough from my life that I can let someone in. Or it could mean that this last few year stretch has ruined all of my defenses. I chose to believe it was the first.

Its not that I don’t believe I will never be hurt, he is human and so am I. It IS however, that I know that I love him so much that it doesn’t matter what happens, it is worth working through. I don’t care how much work it is. THIS is the one.

When I was a teenager, I volunteered at the library in the summer. There was an older lady there (Her name was Myrtle (Cute right?!?!)) who told me “Honey, if you meet ‘The One’ you will know” I asked her how i would know. As a teenager, I needed to know how to get this knowledge. She told me that deep down in my soul, I would know.

As the years went by, I got engaged. Loved my husband for 17 years. But I knew he wasn’t The One. I loved him but I couldn’t trust him with my heart and soul. And I knew it. But I was committed to being his wife until the cost to me and my kids actually became detrimental. He can’t help it. At least I hope he can’t help it.

I didn’t think I would ever find ‘The One” and truly believed that that was a bullshit Disney concept. Until Halloween of 2017.

I have thought of Myrtle many many times since then. Wishing that I could talk to her. Wishing she could give me advice on what to do, how to keep it, how to not screw it up. Because I know in my soul, this is him. THE ONE.

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Love is worth the risk

Yes, you risk losing it.

You risk shattering your heart into a million pieces.

You risk permanent scars on your heart.

You risk breaking someone else’s heart.

But….

You have the possibility of the greatest moments of your life.

You have the possibility of becoming a better person.

The possibility of a soul connection

The possibility of feeling like you matter to someone special.

I want to make you laugh,

I want to see the twinkle in your eyes,

I want you to know that you matter to me,

I want you to know that I feel that connection with you,

I want you to know that I have experienced the greatest moments of my life with you,

I want you to know that you are worth the risk. You are worth the risk!!!

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My best friend

Today my best friend leaves to Mexico for a gastric sleeve procedure.

I am terrified. Because, well Mexico and the drug lord war. Obviously. But also because they don’t have the same medical standards that we do.

She has done her research and so have I and this doctor has a solid reputation and surgery record. It is just the idea that is sitting in my stomach turning tricks.

I am excited that she is looking forward to it and has the desire to change things for herself. I can’t wait for her to come back on Saturday, just to know that she is safe and sound.

I worry that she has put some much of her hopes and dreams on one event that may or may not work for her. She had the lapband like 10 years ago and it was successful in making her sick.

She knows that I will be right there beside her no matter what the outcome, but I am praying so hard that it works for her. I want something to go right for her, just the way that she wants it too.

She has been with me at my very very worst.

She sat with me when I ugly cried outside the hospital when I realized that my ex husband’s personality had changed.

She brought me ice cream when I sat on the curb petting the cat after my car was repossessed.

She sat with me through my heart shattering events and held the pieces together when I couldn’t.

She yelled at me when I blamed myself for my ex’s behavior.

She shakes her head when she knows that I am setting myself up to be hurt again against her advice. But she waits and helps me up, off the floor; when it happens just the way that she said it would.

This operation is going to happen. And it is going to be everything that she wants. Because I said so………

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You make me feel

You make me feel seen.

You make me feel like I matter.

You are my counterweight.

Let me be those things for you.

I see you. Your imperfections are intricate and beautiful, to me. They are perfect in their imperfection.

You matter to me, how you feel matters to me. What you think matters to me. For all of the mess, it MATTERS to me. It is precious TO ME.

I am here……

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My oldest daughter turned 16 today.

I think I had some foolish notion that parenting would get easier the older that they got.

Instead, I worry about more permanent things like, virginity, dating, car accidents, safety because they still trust EVERYONE that they shouldn’t.

I worry that I have scarred them with the divorce, that they will marry drug addicts or someone otherwise abusive. Dramatic, I know.

I worry about things that I can’t control. And the older they get, the more I realize that I have less and less control. And the more I realize that they WILL be hurt and they WILL make mistakes.

Great.

No one warned me very well about how much having children can strip you of all your defenses and leave you completely bare.

That bareness however is essential to tapping into the deepest and strongest feelings of love that I have ever felt. Having children has allowed me to access a part of me that I didnt know was there. A strength. An unconditional love that I am learning to give regardless of the risk to my heart.

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Mother’s Day

Someone had the brass stones to tell me that I need to make amends with my mother.

“Because you only have one.”

My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic who refuses to take medication. My mother wouldn’t know affection or love, if it hit her in the face.

To the idiot who told me that I should make amends, you don’t know me.

You don’t know my mother.

You don’t know what watching a exorcism being performed on your mother is like because she was ‘possessed by demons’.

You don’t know what it is like not having physical affection in your life.

You don’t know what it is like to be a constant target of schizophrenic delusions.

I love my mother. Because she is my mother. I will always love her. But I don’t have to engage with her to prove it. She doesn’t need to be a constant in my life. Yes, I only have one. Thank god.

Not everything can fit in the Disney life.

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I am an over achiever. Most people who know me, figure that out pretty quickly after meeting me.

Not sure how it happened. I am sure being the oldest of six kids had something to do with it. Always searching for what made me unique and never finding it. I guess the silver lining to that is that I am really good at a lot of useless shit.

This happens at work too. Shocker. This time around, I gave a tight timeline and I knew it. But I gave it anyway. I made it by one hour. Way too close for comfort.

The cost of that 10 seconds of pride? A migraine from hell, raised expectations of my abilities, 40 hours of overtime in two weeks and a stress level that is bulletproof.

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