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Archive for April, 2018

Fetish.

You know, I am a reasonable person. I really am. But. I think it is only fair that you disclose your fetish as close to up front as absolutely possible.

Not everyone shares the same desire about whatever it is, that gets you off.

Goddess4ever, where is all of this coming from? You ask.

Well let me tell you. Online dating is pretty cool. But it also sets you up for some weird ass shit.

I don’t mind if you like my short hair. I don’t mind if you put your hands in it every once in awhile. But when you spend more time with my hair than me?!?!?! Dude!!

W-in-the-actual-F!?!?!?!

I have boobs. They seem to be a turn on to most guys. I have eyes, also apparently a big turn on.

How do you hold a conversation with someone when it feels like you have a flapping pigeon in your hair???

And then you want to wash it????

Peace the fuck out dude……..oh, and I am taking my hair with me.

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Moving on is hard.

I thought of you a lot more than I should have today. Felt the loss more than I should have.

It is hard not to compare people. Its much harder to move on when a new person just isn’t as good as you. Isn’t as complete. I miss you so desperately.

I wish the pain would stop.

I wish you were here.

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It is time.

It is time to close off my heart.

It is time to close the book.

It is time to sweep up the broken pieces.

Time to wipe away the blood that is seeping from my heart.

Time to bind the wounds and cover them forever.

The pain of what was still pulses through muscle memory. Still too fresh to truly feel.

My greatest love story has ended. I am closing the book to never be opened again. Closing that deepest recess if my heart forever.

I cannot shut off the aching loss. The aching pain. The confused ‘why?!?’ that screams from the pieces. But I can shut the door.

Its time to barricade this room from ever seeing the light of day. Hoping and praying that it will finally stop bleeding. Stop hurting. Stop existing.

Its time, my darling……..

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I need you.

I need my friend. I need to be held. I need you to tell me it will be ok.

Your heartbeat was a sign that everything was ok.

I learned that my ex’s health is what I already knew in my heart. It is has been in decline since the heart attacks. Which I knew. But it is accelerated.

He has a lot of heart damage. I knew he was struggling. I knew it was only a matter of time.

For me the hard part isn’t the loss because I lost him a looong time ago. It is the fact that I have to watch my kids truly lose him.

I hate him for not taking care of himself years ago. I hate him for fighting me on everything. I hate him for hurting my kids by his lasse faire attitude.

I am grasping for anything to hold onto right now. You see, when people see that things are turning bad, they scatter. They don’t know how to deal.

I need a hand to grab. I need a steady voice to tell me that I can do this. I need someone in my corner. My corner is bare and lonely.

I need you.

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Never enough.

Do you ever feel like you are never good enough?

Like you can never be good enough.

Pretty enough.

Smart enough.

Planned enough.

Sexy enough.

Perfect enough.

Patient enough.

Loving enough.

I feel that way a lot. Especially lately. I just can’t seem to find my footing. I have never been this lost in my life. Never been this useless to others. Never this behind on everything. Never this fucking lonely.

I need an anchor…….because honestly, I am doing a great job at drowning myself in a whirlpool of failure.

Maybe I am supposed to become an anchor for someone else, idk.

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Tears again.

My body wrecked with sobs in the shower so no one can hear me.

My heart bloody and broken, refuses to move on.

My dates ask about your existence and impact on my life. None of them can miss the break in my voice, or the tears that I try to blink away and blame on oak pollen.

I think of you morning, noon, and night. I can’t help but wonder how fair it is to even try to date when I can’t promise them that I can love them. I can’t promise my heart because it isn’t mine. It belongs to you.

Unfortunately, it will always belong to you.

I would give anything to forget.

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Tortichollis

Sounds like a bad sneeze right?

Its a spinal condition where your neck seizes in one position. I don’t get it often but when I do………

I look like an actor from Shaun of the Dead.

I remind myself (as I slap on the icyhot patches in the parking lot) that I am a sexy person. How freaking humiliating is it to walk around like a zombie cast member say “Don’t mind me, I just woke up like this.”

Thank-god for Chiropractors. A wicked painful adjustment and I look like I have take the first zombie antidote. One more adjustment and I should be able to sleep in a semi comfortable position and not look like a flailing chicken.

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