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Archive for March, 2018

I always rolled my eyes listening to people describe their relationships. Using words like ‘perfect’ ‘magic’ ‘passionate’ ‘fairy tale’ etc. It is downright annoying. I assumed it was an exaggeration which added to my annoyance.

I got to experience something that was all of those words. I didn’t believe that it existed. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do with it. I should have paid attention to the movies and conversations that I had had because as quickly as it appeared, it left.

My grandma used to tell me that love was all you needed in a relationship. Well that isn’t true. My last several relationships blow that shit out of the water.

I don’t believe that I will find that again. It was a once in a lifetime deal and it really was magic. Honestly, I don’t ever want anything that doesn’t that doesn’t measure up to that.

So there should be a storybook ‘crazy cat lady non-romance’ somewhere.

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Make-up is the greatest invention on the planet- my opinion.

As I get “all dolled up” I started thinking about how nice the workday would be. Why? Because I don’t have to feel. I don’t have huge expectations to fail. I can just occupy a seat, all made up, and disappear in a room full of people.

And right now that is the best that I can ask for at the moment. So put on your make-up and wear the mask of ‘it’s fine’; maybe one day, it will actually BE fine. If not, get LOTS of make-up

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Pain

Pain is big business in the US.

Most of our capitalist market is based on alleviating it.

From medical pain that lines the pockets of big pharma to emotional pain which drives the illegal drug market, the retail market, the religious market, and damn near any other market you can think of.

In the US, we are conditioned to run the hell away from pain caused by anything that we can’t see. This is exhibited all over the media right now with the mass shootings and school shootings. Instead of dealing with the mental pain of the perpetrators, the whole country divides up and starts pointing fingers. Why? Because dealing with pain is not an easy solution. The responsibility falls on more than one person.

The last few months, I have been running like hell from pain. I am tired of feeling it. I have put myself in that position for two reasons:

1) I hate losing/regret

2) It just hurts

I read a really good book a few years back called Crucial Conversations which was a game changer for me. Definitely a must read. In it, the author mentions the biggest stumbling block in every argument, the fact that the subject mattered. People get worked up, bent out of shape, or passionate because the subject matter really is THAT important.

It sounds stupid, right? But it took away my immediate extreme need to avoid conflict (My parents fought like WWIII every night so my desire to run is strong AF).

The pain and discomfort stems from something that was so intrinsically valuable to us, we react in a primal way. Usually not graciously. (Pointing at myself here).

Pride is the other factor in a heated argument and God only knows, I have that in spades. When pride goes away and the dust clears, the only thing left is a scarred heart that hurts like a bitch. Because it fucking mattered.

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Cats

Idk why there is a stereotype about unmarried women and cats. I am not a big cat person myself. I can however see myself getting a few dozen cockatiels and teaching them bad words and then letting them loose in a church parking lot after church.

Cats don’t exhibit affection like dogs. Maybe that part makes the most sense to me right now. I obviously have no clue what romantic love is or how it is displayed.

Ironically, I have been in a relationship just short of half of my lifetime and I honestly can’t tell you what love is SUPPOSED to feel like. I can tell you that I don’t want to feel ‘it’ at this point.

Heartbreak is painful. But if you don’t know what love is, is it really heartbreak? Maybe it is just grief.

Grief that you are such a sucker. Grief that it wasn’t real. Grief that you set yourself for this. That you clearly have no concept of what love is and honestly, if this wasn’t’ love, I don’t ever want feel it.

I will get some cats instead.

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I can’t be ‘just friends’. This has never happened to me before.

I have tried to move on. I have tried to pretend like every conversation isn’t like having my heart shattered into a million pieces several times a day.

I can’t just be friends. I can’t look at your picture without having my heart ripped through my toenails. EVERY time. I tried.

My heart has bled for two months now and it is no closer to being healed than it was at the beginning.

I am so tired of trying to hold my head up when the weight if life is too much. You made me happy. You were and unfortunately, will always be the only one who waltzed passed all my walls and defenses like they were nothing.

I can’t. I can’t. I don’t have anything left.

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Anytime we come across the beauty of nature or the animal kingdom, humans have a predictable pattern. We hold our breath and try not to move. As though we cannot be seen. We either maintain that stance and admire the moment, or the flight response takes over and we run like hell.

The same can be said for a 2nd chance at a relationship. Second chances are rare. Especially when dealing with people who have suffered major heartbreak. So here I am, not breathing, waiting…….watching. I am afraid to move, afraid to break this chance. What if I ruin it? What if I hurt it?

What if ………..,

Any observer of nature will tell you that the greatest moments ever caught on film were caught by waiting and watching in breathless anticipation. Because those following moments become worth all of the pain that led up to it.

So with a dialogue open, no matter how small, just knowing that, is truly worth the pain of getting here. It may not work. It may become another scar on my heart, but it might, truly might be the love that I have waited my whole life for.

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Un break my heart.

I don’t know how to pick up the pieces this time. I don’t know how to function with such a gaping hole in my soul. The pain is unreal.

I can’t even try to move on. So here I sit, with the pieces of my heart on the floor. The tears fall so effortlessly now.

Why God? Why does this have to hurt sooooo fucking badly???? Why?!?! I can’t go on anymore. I can’t feel this anymore. Please, please take the pain away….

Please unbreak my heart God…. 💔

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