I fold.

Stubbornness is my worst fault. By far.

It keeps me from saying what I need to say. It tells me that no matter how hard I try to be ‘normal’ I will always have the ‘weird homeschool girl’ placard on my chest.

No matter how I fight this ‘weird homeschool girl’ she still manages to screw things up.

She loves people that she shouldn’t. She loves them completely. She gives the keys to the deepest recesses of her heart, as though it were a visitor’s pass.

She trusts that the good in people is just that, good.

She never stops trying. No matter how many times she is pushed away, she keeps going back for more. In hopes that she can get in. That this time she can erase everything that she has done to piss off her parents. This time, she will be good enough.

I truly hate this “weird homeschool girl” she is weak. She is a fool. She is me.

I am tired of fighting her. I am tired of not being good enough for someone to love completely. I am tired of her incessant desire to reach for the hearts that are broken and heal them. She gives of herself at the expense of her own heart. MY heart.

She desires the un-reachable heart. Because she knows deep down that it can be reached. She doesn’t care what the cost is. I do.

I want to be cherished. I want to be desired. I want to be truly loved. But this weak girl reaches for that lonely heart. Because she knows. She has felt the love and hurt from that heart. She also knows that that heart is chained to luggage. Lots of it. Luggage ignored by the heart.

I am tired if fighting this ‘weird homeschool girl’. I am tired of feeling my heart ripped from my chest. I fold.

~ by goddess4ever on February 14, 2018.

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