Apparently, I am a masochist.

I know what loss feels like. I know what a broken heart feels like. Very well.

Shockingly it does nothing to deter me from running headlong into a losing situation for my heart.

I love someone. Someone who is so afraid of getting hurt that they don’t even realize it is happening. You would think that I had learned. But I didnt.

I failed to remember what a new relationship was like.

I failed to speak my needs.

I failed to give him his.

I failed to realize that 17 year relationships are incredibly different than a 4 month old one.

I failed.

In all aspects of this relationship, I have failed. I found someone that I love more than I have ever loved before and I used the tools that I knew. The ones that ended my 17 year marriage.

The reality is that if it was truly a relationship worth fighting for, he would be right here; asking me how we got so wrong, so fast.

It takes two to have a relationship. It takes two to fight for what is left. It takes two people to say “I was wrong, please forgive me.” Actually, one person can say it, but the other has to grant that forgiveness.

I must like pain because here I am. Yet again.

I was so wrong. So very wrong. And there is no one left standing here, to forgive me. No one to blame. No one to hang onto.

~ by goddess4ever on February 12, 2018.

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