Love

This is the scariest four letter word on the planet.

Being lonely post-divorce was (what I thought) the worst feeling ever. It is not.

The worst feeling is when you feel a familiar warmth inside your soul and you realize in horror that it isn’t heartburn.

Then you completely have a freakout moment of panic, hysterics, and crying. You freak out because you realize that if you accept this warmth and allow it to grow, you have to accept the following:

1) You have allowed someone into that frosty interior.

2) Said person has overcome every security system that you put onto place to avoid a painful arguments, broken hearts, potential divorce situations and so forth.

3) You have just realized that you had a weakness in your security and this guy found it. AND that asshole defrosted a whole area of your heart………and you like it…..

Then the panic starts to morph.

What if you really like this guy and it falls apart after three months?!?! Then what?!?!

What if the excitement is clouding all your judgement and you end up with a psychopath?!?!?!

What about the kids?!? What if they get invested?? What kind of a parent does that make me?????

What if I end up in the same mess as before ?????

WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!?!

Why do I want this feeling so much? Why does he make me so happy?!?!

I heard something a few weeks ago that took me a second to figure out. It was me laughing out loud. It was me, like the real me. Not any of my personas. By that I mean, it wasn’t my ‘mom’ hat, or my ‘wife’ hat, or my ‘caregiver’ hat. I didn’t have a hat. It was me. I don’t know ‘me’.

The last few weeks have taught me a lot about myself. Things that I didn’t know.

I like to laugh. Shockingly, I like to have my hand held. I actually like eye contact. I like to hear him laugh. I like to be called all those ridiculous pet names that I made fun of years ago. And you know what? I love that he loves everything about me.

Turns out that being cherished isn’t just in the movies. Its real. Guys, its REAL!!!!

And you know what, it is terrifying. It is terrifying but I am willing to take all of the risks that I am freaking out about. Because the real me, likes to be cherished; and the real me, decided that that, is ok.

~ by goddess4ever on November 27, 2017.

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