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Archive for November, 2017

This is the scariest four letter word on the planet.

Being lonely post-divorce was (what I thought) the worst feeling ever. It is not.

The worst feeling is when you feel a familiar warmth inside your soul and you realize in horror that it isn’t heartburn.

Then you completely have a freakout moment of panic, hysterics, and crying. You freak out because you realize that if you accept this warmth and allow it to grow, you have to accept the following:

1) You have allowed someone into that frosty interior.

2) Said person has overcome every security system that you put onto place to avoid a painful arguments, broken hearts, potential divorce situations and so forth.

3) You have just realized that you had a weakness in your security and this guy found it. AND that asshole defrosted a whole area of your heart………and you like it…..

Then the panic starts to morph.

What if you really like this guy and it falls apart after three months?!?! Then what?!?!

What if the excitement is clouding all your judgement and you end up with a psychopath?!?!?!

What about the kids?!? What if they get invested?? What kind of a parent does that make me?????

What if I end up in the same mess as before ?????

WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!?!

Why do I want this feeling so much? Why does he make me so happy?!?!

I heard something a few weeks ago that took me a second to figure out. It was me laughing out loud. It was me, like the real me. Not any of my personas. By that I mean, it wasn’t my ‘mom’ hat, or my ‘wife’ hat, or my ‘caregiver’ hat. I didn’t have a hat. It was me. I don’t know ‘me’.

The last few weeks have taught me a lot about myself. Things that I didn’t know.

I like to laugh. Shockingly, I like to have my hand held. I actually like eye contact. I like to hear him laugh. I like to be called all those ridiculous pet names that I made fun of years ago. And you know what? I love that he loves everything about me.

Turns out that being cherished isn’t just in the movies. Its real. Guys, its REAL!!!!

And you know what, it is terrifying. It is terrifying but I am willing to take all of the risks that I am freaking out about. Because the real me, likes to be cherished; and the real me, decided that that, is ok.

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A lot of great literature has a hero as the central focus (as it should). A lot has been written about the hero’s courage in daunting and inexplicable situation. When you picture a hero, who has made a major accomplishment, there is armor. A bullet proof vest, fireman gear, an actual suit pf armor, weapons, and so forth.

There is a lot of buzz in the social world currently about the lack of social skills these days with the use of the internet. People don’t have to be anything that they don’t want to be. They can hide behind a facade. An armor. Good or bad, it hides things.

As I start a new life for me and my kids and begin dating, I realized that in order to NOT repeat old mistakes, I was going to have to do something that I have never done before. I had to leave the armor.

It will take every bit of courage that I have to leave old habits and masks behind. If I want true love, I have to expose myself to being hurt( which is terrifying). 

Its also not very pretty. I cant cover up my flaws. Because they are a part of me. I have to accept that i am not perfect. (Its harder than you would think). 

Because at the end of the day, even though I have faults and ugly scars, I have a lot of love to give. 

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Well thats a new one….

So I have had a shitty ass year. Goes without saying. Here is what happened this week.

Aside from pneumonia, I met someone. 

I was not prepared. 

I certainly wasnt about to be excited about it. Guys can fake qualities for a short time so i wasnt too thrilled that i had met someone with an appreciation for my dry sense of humor.

Then the calm came in the middle of a family crisis for me. The steady voice that this was normal and that everything would be ok. What-the-fuck. This guy, that i dont truly know, tempered my freak out. 

Then it happened again. 

I am completely disarmed at this point. What is happening?? God, please dont make me like someone, just to get hurt!! 

Why am I freaking out right now??? Thats a great question. Because I am terrified. This year has been so damn painful, I wasnt expecting to like someone on this level, ever. Its different than anyone that I have ever been with. (Ok fun fact-Ive dated three people in my life) 

I havent laughed this much in a long time. Which also terrifies me. Because goodness knows cynic in me says that this is fleeting. But what if its not?

Who would have thought that a good thing would create sooooooo much anxiety!!!!!

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Dating sucks.

I’ve decided to become a nun. Ok, not really.

But I have learned how truly shallow I am. The impossible expectations and standards are roadblocks for anyone who even gets close to me.

I don’t feel like I need anyone who is over 10 years older than me. I feel like that should be standard. A given. Apparently not. If you are over 50, please don’t talk to me. I’m not into it.

I must have someone taller than me. I’m not going to be bigger than my spouse. Just no.

I must have a sense of humor. If you can’t laugh at yourself, um……..you aren’t going to like it when I do it.

You must be ok with me having children. Period.

I hate dating. I hate people. I hate being single. And I freaking hate being alone. How’s that for a dichotomy?

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