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The buck stops here.

I’ve thought about a lot over the last week and a half. Obsessively actually. One of my greatest curses and blessings. 

Why am I so terrified of life right now? Is it really about the unknown? Is it really about not having a safety net? 

The thought came to me a few minutes ago that it’s none of those things. I am afraid of not having an excuse. I am afraid that because I have nothing to blame my life on but myself, that there is no one to blame when something goes wrong…..

Selfish right?!?! Maybe so. 

I have found myself comparing my survival skills now to those of being a big sister to 5 siblings. There has always been a focus. Away from myself. My siblings. My kids. My spouse. 

Turns out, I am afraid to know who I am. I am afraid to find out that I am as bad as every critic has ever said I was. How stupid is that?!?! 

What if I am a failure? What if I am a terrible mom? What if I really do only love myself?!?! Can a person be all those things and not know it? 

I don’t know. What I do know is that I am forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. I am forcing myself out the door everyday. I am forcing myself to at least fake my existence until I know who I am supposed to be. No matter how many times I have to pull off the side of the road to sob and pound my steering wheel. 

A good friend told me that a Hispanic proverb says ‘No hay mal que dure’ cien anos’ basically ‘Nothing bad lasts forever’. I may have to live a hundred years to find out.

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~ by goddess4ever on July 28, 2017.

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