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Archive for July, 2017

A very very good friend of mine told me yesterday to remember my accomplishments and they would help carry me through the valley that I currently find myself in. 

This prompted the question, “WTF are my accomplishments?!?!”

He listed a few things that he viewed as accomplishments. I noticed right away the wording that he had used. They were present tense processes. ‘Facing fear, challenging myself to be better, opening up to my kids, etc.”

I have never considered a current process as an accomplishment and I have to admit that it kind of blew my mind a little bit. (Not going to tell him that, even though he reads my blog every once in awhile).

My list of accomplishments are ridiculously short because they are ‘finished’. But if I were to look back and include a process as an accomplishment, I am shocked to see a lot there. All of a sudden, the things that I work so hard to do are listed. It’s relevant.

How dumb is it that we do this to ourselves?!?!?!

How much are you taking away from your value when you quantify accomplishments as finished? 

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I’ve thought about a lot over the last week and a half. Obsessively actually. One of my greatest curses and blessings. 

Why am I so terrified of life right now? Is it really about the unknown? Is it really about not having a safety net? 

The thought came to me a few minutes ago that it’s none of those things. I am afraid of not having an excuse. I am afraid that because I have nothing to blame my life on but myself, that there is no one to blame when something goes wrong…..

Selfish right?!?! Maybe so. 

I have found myself comparing my survival skills now to those of being a big sister to 5 siblings. There has always been a focus. Away from myself. My siblings. My kids. My spouse. 

Turns out, I am afraid to know who I am. I am afraid to find out that I am as bad as every critic has ever said I was. How stupid is that?!?! 

What if I am a failure? What if I am a terrible mom? What if I really do only love myself?!?! Can a person be all those things and not know it? 

I don’t know. What I do know is that I am forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. I am forcing myself out the door everyday. I am forcing myself to at least fake my existence until I know who I am supposed to be. No matter how many times I have to pull off the side of the road to sob and pound my steering wheel. 

A good friend told me that a Hispanic proverb says ‘No hay mal que dure’ cien anos’ basically ‘Nothing bad lasts forever’. I may have to live a hundred years to find out.

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Safety Net

We all have a safety net in life. A fallback plan.

Some of us (me) have a fallback plan to our fallback plan.

I lost my job this last week. My last safety net. You don’t realize how much mental space that safety net frees up until you lose it. 

It reminds me of the tightrope at the playground. It was maybe 24″ off the ground. It had waist high ropes for you to hold onto. And sand underneath. I remember falling off (I’m accident prone, what can I say) and getting a sand burn on my knee. What the hell?!?! All those safety measures and I still hurt myself! 

After all the losses this year, I remember that stupid rope. The safety net of a job and a spouse with a job, is gone……well now what?

That question, “Now what?” I didn’t have a third safety net…… I didn’t plan for this…..what now? I wasn’t ready for this! Why God?? What the hell?!?!

God outplanned me. I shouldn’t be surprised. It is His MO after all. I keep coming back to the word ‘trust’. I hate that word. I don’t like not be in control. I don’t like relying on other people. 

God outplanned me so good that now I have to do both. I’m sure there is a litany of lessons in that. I am just not going to like learning them. 

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