Archive for May, 2017

Today, I decided to hang up a piece of embroidery that I had worked on and finished many years ago. I am not sure why I was embarrassed to hang it up years ago.

One of the things that I am learning about myself is that I am creative. SOOOO creative. And I ran away from that for a long time. Partly because it reminds me of my parents who are very artistic and part of it is the extreme vulnerability that comes from pouring your energy and heart into a project and having someone hate it. 

I am 6 months into my divorce. I never thought divorce was going to be so painful. The end of the relationship was the easiest part of the process because in truth, it had ended years ago. The painful part was the exposure. I had no excuses to hide behind, no one to have my back, no protection, and I had no idea who I was. I thought I did.

I am an anxiety ridden, OCD, depressed, failure of a human. Except, that’s not all.

I am creative, I have a huge capacity for love and empathy, I am uber driven, and I have a spine of steel. I am a peerfectionist who makes so many mistakes, it’s a travesty. 

The adjectives to describe me are numerous. And I have learned that I own them all. I am OCD, anxiety driven, I am a failure, but I am also a fighter, a lover, and a giver. The definition of me is changing and that is ok because I am me. 


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In the depths of sadness and grief, it is hard to think that you will ever exist again. Ever feel again. Ever love again. Ever hope again.

Every once in awhile, God gives us a glimmer of the future. This last week, while deeply troubling and oppressive, I was given the opportunity to feel needed and loved again. It wasn’t anything serious or earth shattering. But it was just enough for me to take a slow deep breath and say “it’s going to be ok”. 

A sparkle of safety and belonging. Something I have been struggling to find for the last couple of years.

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To me:

Literally- Loss is the absence of something

Loss surprises us with pain that we weren’t expecting.

Loss is a catalyst to change, to a rebirth of ourselves.

Loss challenges us to reflect on ourselves and who we are, who we want to be, and what we will leave behind.

Loss is a gift from God, for our selfish sinful nature would self destruct if we did not experience the pain of losing that which we did not know we had.

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When the marriage has gotten so toxic, so destructive, and so costly to your wellbeing that it has no hope of redemption, it’s time to admit the burn.

When you see a person who has turned into a roasted mass, you don’t see them as a whole person. You look, scrunch up your face and go “oooooooooooh that’s gonna hurt later”. You don’t see character, personality, or anything other than blaring red pain. 

As this blaring red marriage starts to fade, I am left wondering who the hell I really am. What do I like? Can I really be a single parent? Do I have to join Farmer’s for a relationship? Should I just be single for the rest of my life? 

There is no one to balance me out anymore. No one to say “whoa, calm down neurotic Nancy”. No one to say “everything is going to be ok” even when it isn’t. 

I’m ready for the sunburn to go away, but I am scared of seeing what is underneath…………..

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