Where is the rule book?!?

As I watch the man who used to be my husband struggle through life everyday, I am convicted with guilt. 

Guilt because I know he can’t help the changes to his personality following a quadruple bypass surgery that almost ended his life.

Guilt because I don’t love this guy that sits in my husband’s chair. I don’t even know him really.

The medical doctors don’t prep you to never see your spouse again after heart surgery. But with all the research that I have done, it’s pretty common. It is the most painful, confusing process that I have ever gone through. To look at a man who used to love and cherish everything about me and my kids, and see the complete opposite is hell on earth. 

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what changed with him after the two month hospitalization. We have had many arguments about it. The truth it, something in him died that day. The part of him that I love so much. As the months tick by mercilessly, things don’t get better. As we have neared the two year mark since his surgery, I find myself making plans to move into an apartment to seek some sort of balance in the lives of my kids.

His health continues to deteriorate. He has congestive heart failure, uncontrolled diabetes, and a myriad of other health complications. He is angry. So angry. It is no wonder that he has created his own reality of the way things are. 

I have never felt so selfish. How can I want something normal for me and my kids when I know that he isn’t taking care of himself and that will not end well?

I was brought up in the Bible Belt of America. I believe in my wedding vows. But there is not a rule book for this situation. Believe me, I have looked. 

~ by goddess4ever on January 23, 2017.

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