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Life (part 3)

Father’s day was the hardest Father’s day of all. My youngest let me know that this was the worst Father’s day ever. I had to agree. I did go to see my husband for a few hours and whisper “Happy Father’s Day” to him. He didn’t show any signs of recognition. I began to wonder if he really knew if I was there. The nurses told me that he did, but I wasn’t sure. When he woke up, I went to see him immediately and was completely devastated that even though he was technically awake, he really wasn’t “awake”. I could see recognition in his face, but not the recognition that I was his wife, but more that I was someone that he knew from somewhere.

I began to just sit and hold his hand. That was all I could do.

It was hard to celebrate the 4th of July this year as well. I really wasn’t sure that I had much to celebrate. I began to start questioning everything. Why was life going on without me???? How dare people just walk around like they didn’t know or care what was happening!!!! We saw fireworks with some friends, which proved to be a great distraction. I was so lonely though. My soul was starting to ache in ways that I didn’t know possible.

That following Monday, I received a phone call that my husband had been throwing up blood all night. They would do an endoscopy that morning. I drove over there knowing in the pit of my stomach that this was not going to be okay. That day was the longest day of my life. My husband lost a LOT of blood. They gave him two pints of whole blood and two pints of plasma before bringing him back to his room. Thankfully they did not tell me how much they had given him total that day. I could see blood in his mustache, in his hair, all over. I knew that I had almost lost him that day.

As soon as I left his side to go home and take care of my girls, I started crying. I didn’t know that my heart could rip into so many pieces after it had already been torn. This was real. I was losing him. I just knew it. He was strong. But I knew that we had been skating on the edge all this time. How much longer was it going to last? I knew that we had to hit rock bottom before things would get better. Don’t ask me why, it was just how I felt deep down. This was the rawest most primal fear that I had ever felt. I was a caged tiger being backed into a corner. There was no more room between me and the wall. My claws were coming out. My fur was going up. It was getting harder and harder to answer the well meaning questions that people ask. I knew it was only a matter of time before I bit.

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~ by goddess4ever on July 28, 2015.

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