Life (part 2)

As my husband began to wake up from surgery, I started to get a little panicked. Something was wrong. He was very agitated and started yanking on all of his lines. I tried my best to calm him down but he wasn’t listening. He would seem to acknowledge my presence and them he would try again to pull things out and get out of bed. They had to restrain him. Do you know how hard it is to watch someone you love trying to pull at the very things that are keeping them stable? Harder still to look into their eyes and tell them that you can’t let them go for their own good.

As he got more and more agitated, I was shooed out of the room and he was xray’d. His lungs had collapsed. The original hope that he would be able to come home in two weeks tops went right out the window. He was intubated immediately. My heart dropped through the floor.

I talked to him, but he didn’t seem to hear me. No squeeze of the hand, nothing. I started getting the ‘sad eye’ from some of the staff. I wouldn’t let our two daughter’s see him.  I had made a promise to him that they wouldn’t see him with tubes. coming out of him.

As days turned into a week, I was told that he had pneumonia and a medication resistant fever. How was this happening?!?!?!? Why God? Why would you do this too him? Why would you take his mother and try to take him? Furthermore, why the hell would you do this to me and my kids!?!?!? I don’t think I have ever cried so much in my life.

The news continued to get worse as days turned into weeks. He was not kicking the fever. He had more heart attacks. They had to go in and add three out of six stints. They had to stop after three because it appeared that his heart started bleeding. Tears were my constant companion. I would spend hours in the evenings watching QVC ( My mother-in-laws’ favorite) and just rocking. What else was I going to do? I prayed but it didn’t seem like God was listening. Everyday there was something. He got blood clots in his lungs. They couldn’t wean him off of the ventilator due to the clots and pneumonia so they had to cut a tracheostomy. His fever broke and then came back with a vengeance. The doctors wouldn’t give me a timeline for recovery. My prayers then changed from “please make him better” to ” God please don’t let him suffer anymore.”

I began to hate the flowers out in the front of the hospital. I couldn’t handle some of the simplest comments from people who meant well. There was no manual for this. How was I going to take care of my children? How was I supposed to live life alone? Why God? Why? Then out of nowhere, a calm came over me. It was going to be ok. No matter what happened, God was going to provide. Random people provided meals, sent cards, and gave hugs. I could see God in that.

I have always looked for God. I couldn’t understand why He wouldn’t talk to me or help me. I began to realize that in my desperate efforts to protect myself from people, that I was shutting HIM out. You see, He was providing all the love and support that I needed for that time in the form of these people. He was still in control. He knew what would happen to my husband. All I needed to do was be the best wife and mom that I could. He would take care of the rest. I am a control freak. For me to relinquish my perceived control, is a huge deal.

~ by goddess4ever on July 21, 2015.

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