goddess4ever's Blog

I have been reflecting on my need to feel human presence lately. I have a female friend who quite irritatingly points out that ‘you don’t need a man to be happy’. I know this. I don’t need anyone to be happy. Never have. I do however, get lonely. This does not mean that I am unhappy!

I have a great job. I only fantasize about running over myself in the parking lot, 4 out of 5 days a week. Ok maybe just a hard 3 days.

I grew up with 5 siblings. Five. We were homeschooled so we saw each other all day everyday. Add my two parents and I was never alone. NEVER.

As I steamroll into Dakota’s senior year, I am very very aware of being alone. I do not want to live the rest of my life alone. I DO need someone’s hand to hold 3x a week. I’d settle for 2x. I DO need someone to ask me “WTF are you doing” several times a week. (Don’t judge, I am a weirdo and I need people to point it out, so I can stop being weird in public). I DO need annoying habits, let’s face it. It builds character.

Let’s recap- I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I don’t want to die alone. I DO want someone around. (Please do not suggest that I switch teams, I am not down for that and have already been asked.)

Its a horrible word. End of life care is so feared and so overwhelming.

Today, I am thankful that my grandmother finally called them. Initially we were under the impression that she had but that was not the case.

She called and she let them in.

I hope she keeps letting them in. It is so hard to see them suffering but today, today my grandfather will start receiving the pain medicines and care that will lessen his pain and hopefully will lift some of the burden from my grandmother.

It isn’t that I want my grandfather to die, I absolutely don’t. I want my grandmother to be able to spend the last few days with him in a way that they can both benefit from. I want my grandfather to be out of pain.

I know my grandmother’s heart is broken. If I knew that my time with the person that I love, would end forever, I would be destroyed. How do you say “Please don’t leave me.” “I love you” “You mean everything to me” to someone who is about to die? Pretty sure the person dying is having a worse time.

Anyway.

Today, I am thankful that end of life care and their availability and willingness to care for my grandparents.

One thing that I noticed while spending time with my grandfather this weekend was that he didn’t seem to have any major regrets.

The only thing that he really wanted was more time with his family.

That is what I strive for.

I will not settle. I know what I want and I will not apologize for being my weird dysfunctional self. (Ok, I may apologize and do it anyway, but I won’t regret it).

I will push myself.

I will love recklessly.

I will trust people that I shouldn’t.

I will defy logic and protocol for the people that I love. Period.

I will live OUT LOUD.

I don’t often want to be the bigger person. But in the interest of my grandparents and my children, I swallowed my pride and asked my ex husband to come and see my grandparents. Not riding together, I am not that into humility.

He came and visited them and well, lets just say that I stand firmly on my decision to divorce.

He met my oldest daughter’s boyfriend so that turned out to be a dick measuring contest on steroids. He also decided that it was a good time to share about his online dating relationships that still include a chic from China and now a 21 year old from Russia. Dead. Serious.

My grandmother asked me point blank if I would consider reconciling with him. My response was a glare of 100% disgust. Absolutely- NOT.

My family hadn’t seen him since the divorce so of course it was awkward. They really did try to be cordial but it was written on their faces. If I wasn’t afraid that my Grandfather was on his deathbed, I certainly would not have asked.

He does get a few points for making the trip though. He certainly could have said FU and went on with his life.

I have no regrets. Even though that whole thing sucked.

The shock of seeing my grandfather emaciated and ill was overwhelming. His pants are ten sizes too big.

Once I put that shock aside, I enjoyed spending the time to feed him, make him comfortable, wait on him, and just sit with him.

His lucidity was up and down which was frustrating but it was nice to hear his voice and know that he knew me.

I asked him silly questions just to pass time and see what he had to say. Like ‘if you could eat anything without worrying about feeling sick, what would you eat?’ He thought a minute and said ‘Filet mignon, medium rare.’ I asked if he would have a baked potato with it and he looked at me with surprise. ‘You can’t eat steak without a baked potato!’ He said. I laughed out loud. It was so nice to know that in-spite of all of the tumors, he was still in there.

Other times he would talk about getting up before reveille even though it was 6pm. Or living on the side of a mountain in a cabin. He has never lived in the mountains. Or he would ask me why the Texans had to be involved in everything. He was a Texan for 20 years.

I love my grandfather. I have never felt so torn in my life, between going home and staying there to care for him.

Degree be damned.

Nothing prepares you for grief and loss.

Nothing prepares you to give a prayer over your dying grandfather because your father can’t manage words through the sobbing.

Nothing prepares you for hugging your siblings as grief takes over.

Nothing prepares you for seeing your grandfather reach for you brother’s hand for comfort as he waits for pain medicine to kick in.

Nothing prepares you to have your grandfather recognize you, when he had previously not been recognizing his family.

Nothing prepares you to ‘be the strong one’.

Nothing prepares you to let go of someone that you love more than anything in the world.