goddess4ever's Blog

“Hard Work”

Human touch is a basic human need. Belonging. Physical security.

Those things are so important to human well being. I took them for granted when I was married. I didn’t grow up with a lot of physical contact so it was pretty foreign at first.

I miss sleeping with another human. Not sex specifically (although that is always a perk). I miss hearing someone breathing next to me. I miss someone’s arm around me. I miss someone’s hand wrapped up with mine.

Certain people just mesh with you. When you find them, don’t let them go. Don’t let them go. Life is too short to spend it being miserable with someone.

Sometimes grief is silent and presents itself in little ways.

Today, today it hit me so hard that I had to pull off to the side of the road and just cry.

Sunday evenings are the worst. The sun sets and you are just so alone and so beat down that you just shatter.

I took my oldest to Barnes and Noble today. For me, this is the holiest of holy places on earth. Filled with ideas and stories of all different kinds, just the smell of books that hits you as soon as the door opens, sends endorphins right into my bloodstream.

It was amusing to see her walking through the shelves and people watching as she went. I raised my girls on books. They loved for me to read to them before bed, just like my own mother had done. My mother failed at a lot of things, but she was able to gift us with her time in many ways that weren’t toxic.

We spent a solid hour there just looking. I won’t have many more of these moments with her. She is an adult who will be spreading her wings soon. But for today, she was just as excited about books as I was. And that was a special moment.

As much as it breaks your heart, if he wanted to be there, he would be.

He isn’t.

If you were meant to be, it would be.

It isn’t.

Stop believing in potential and look at what is.

There is no one standing there.

That is what is real.

Sometimes life ebbs and flows to extremes leaving you stranded on an abandoned island.

It amuses me (in an irony sort of way) how people scatter when life gets costly. Especially loss. People don’t know what to say. Or do.

Most of the life that you pull energy from suddenly drains away, leaving you with a whole lot of feelings and no place to channel them.

All that is left is to just hurt.

And then, there are the people who take that m

Funerals are a weird kind of closure. People come from all over to honor the deceased.

The start of my kid’s school year, work, and cost of travel were the deciding factors in not attending my grandfather’s funeral. And it sucks. He was laid to rest today. I think he would have gotten a kick out of the fact that he was born on 11/11 and died on 8/8.

He was so loved.

Papaw, I am going to miss you so much…..