Old memories

•December 9, 2019 • Leave a Comment

This week started as any other- I hate my job. I don’t hate the job itself, its some of the people that I work for.

Then things took a turn. My best friends husband suffered a stroke. I stayed with her for 24 hours as the doctors raced to figure out what happened. He hates medical professionals in general so he had to be heavily sedated or he would rip out tubes keeping him alive.

It was too much for me. Without knowing it, I smacked myself in the face with all of my old fears. Her husband was placed in a room next to my ex-husband’s old room where he spent 58 days in the hospital. Many of the nurses are still there. The Dr.s are still there.

Friday night, I hit the wall of emotions. Sobs wracked my body. I couldn’t be here anymore. I chose not to see my friend that night. This whole week being so traumatic, I was broken inside.

I haven’t felt this alone in a long time.

The Past

•November 18, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Sometimes running from your past catches up to you.

Most people from my childhood do not recognize me and I would like to keep it that way.

But a week ago, someone from my high-school years resurfaced. Someone that I wrote many many many letters to (yeah that makes me old AF). I never got any letters back. I assumed that after all this time that it had become some stupid high-school puppy love that I was only too embarrassed about to even talk about.

I have tried to track him down for the last 20 years, as I have the rest of our original group. I have found 95% of the group with three being deceased. Anyway, I never expected to hear from him. Ever.

I was a foolish teenager much like the person that I am today. Anyway.

He saved all my letters. I found out. He never got the nerve up to ever write me back.

My best friend wants to make it a love story but it isn’t like that. We are states apart and have two very different lives. What really means something to me is that at that part in my life, I mattered to someone.

Thats all I ever wanted.

My mom.

•November 8, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Schizophrenia is an insidious mental disorder.

Most of my life has been spent being embarrassed, terrified, heartbroken, bewildered, or just done with my mom’s behavior.

The major shifts in her behavior happened when she hit her 30s and has significantly increased since she hit her late 50s.

I remember running for my life when I was 12 years old and walking on an evening walk with her. She told me that someone was following us to kidnap us.

I remember her calling the FBI and lodging a complaint because the police department had a patrol car with 666 on the license plate.

I remember her paying a pastor $300 to stalk me after I moved away from home.

Calling me in the middle of the night, telling me that there was an intruder and that she needed me right then. There was no one.

Calling to tell me that my favorite Aunt was deceased. She was not.

And tonight’s escapade began with her texting me that she wanted to spend three days here because the rats are out to get her. 🙄

Soooooo tired

•November 6, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Its been sooooooooo long since I had a full weekend off and this weekend will be no exception.

Its definitely not sustainable but its not like I have a life outside of work right now anyway.

Besides, it helps with the transition of kids growing up and becoming their own adults. I am not used to them being gone so much. I just never planned for this part of my life.

Oh well. Goodnight peeps.

Vampires

•November 1, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Why.

•October 31, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Its the shortest question ever.

My sister and I were talking about relationships and lessons learned and NOT learned with each of them. I am having a terrible time getting over one in particular. I voiced my frustration to her and she asked a serious of questions that started with ‘Why’.

Why?

Pfff. If I knew that, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Why him? Not content with my ‘Idk’ answer, I had to dig deeper. What did he do that no one else did? It has taken me a month to come up with a complicated answer.

He figured out what was important to me really quickly. He remembered details that only someone who was actually listening to the spoken and unspoken words I was communicating would know. He knew how to read me. He saw me for the trainwreck that I was and he didn’t shy away. And I guess that is truly what it boils down to.

Honestly, it didn’t work because we were never actually in a relationship. When we started to get somewhere, she made a reappearance in his life and that was that. I knew something was happening, I just didn’t know what.

Its not a bad thing, just what happened. On the eve of two years since he changed my life, I am trying to let him go. He was never mine to have.

He will always have that place in my heart. And always be able to open that door. He has the only key.

So what now? Now, I section off that side of my heart and bury it. If he chooses to open that door, there will always be a candle in there, burning. If he doesn’t, the dust and cobwebs will collect and the candle wax will build up and I will move on.

90 Day Fiancé is all new today!!

•October 28, 2019 • Leave a Comment