goddess4ever's Blog

Work has been a roller coaster. There is finally light at the end of the tunnel. The torch has been passed and I have begun releasing all of those responsibilities to the new person.

The problem with being a work-A-holic is that when that stops, you start to feel.

All the emotions that you have been stuffing, start to bubble up. The loneliness. The hurt.

Through all of that, I received my first lease renewal. I have officially lived in this place longer than any place since I left my ex husband.

It is bittersweet. I never wanted to be alone this long. I miss the physical contact of the person that I love, but it isn’t worth the tremendous cost to my emotions. Sometimes I wonder why God can be so damn cruel. He dangled a carrot in front of me and it turns out to be wax fruit.

Maybe that is my punishment for leaving my ex husband. A sentence of heartache and loneliness.

Goodluck doll. You’ll need it.

My mom used to have a name for us when we were contagious, Typhoid Mary.

I am dating myself by even mentioning it. Anyway, this guy that I have still managed to keep talking to even though our dates were disasters, got sick this weekend and I texted him this morning calling him Typhoid Mary.

Omg, you would have thought I cut his balls off. (Not sure he has any anyway but whatever). I know men are babies when they are sick, but omg dude…..

Apparently, I questioned his masculinity. Well dude, I am DEFINITELY questioning it NOW.

🙄

I would have been married 18 years.

I did not think it would hurt this much.

I got two beautiful kids out of the deal…..

But I lost who I am. I lost a man who loved and cherished his family; who loved and cherished me. I lost a mother-in-law whose loss I was never able to grieve. My children had to grow up faster than they should have.

I feel like I wasted 18 years of my life fighting for a marriage that should have ended years ago.

My heart aches……

My heart misses having a partner. Someone to laugh with. Someone to put their arms around me while I watched the sunset over our property. Someone who reminds me that I left the light on in the kitchen on my way to bed.

My heart aches……

This week has been awful. I feel like I held a grenade and had to hold it while it went off.

And tonight, I got hit with an overwhelming wall of grief from who knows where.

So I am wide awake for the 8th consecutive night. Only tonight, my heart just bleeds and aches so deeply.

“When the Party’s Over”

Says everything.

Idk how it happened. A long time of loving someone and hurting over someone and this time, something changed.

I realized that I was nothing but a means to an end. The toxic vortex I have willingly allowed myself to hang onto has finally lost its power.

The chapter is closed forever and oddly, I am ok with it. Yes, I will always have that spark in my heart for him, but last week sucked the oxygen out of it. If ever there was a time for someone to rise to the occasion, that was it. And as difficult as it was to be an adult, I finally saw things for what they were and it broke my heart.

I ran out of excuses and whitewash.

It shows so many truths about being an adult. Catfights and competitive women.

The hollowness of NSA relationships. The cost to your self esteem of that kind of arrangement and how you begin to believe that you aren’t worth the effort.

The trainwreck of hitting rock bottom in your life.

The unexpected people who show up for you no matter how ugly it gets. And don’t forget Melissa McCarthy.