Sometimes you have to walk out in faith.

•July 12, 2020 • Leave a Comment

Love isn’t a fair weather sport.

You have to relinquish control of your heart, fully knowing that the odds are extremely high that you are driving off a cliff.

Thats where I am right now. Figuratively speaking of course. I am on the cliff, Thelma and Louise style, knowing that there will be no way to repair my heart after this.

The risk of losing is so high….

Yet, I am going to step on the gas. Why? Why would I do something so stupid?

Because I don’t want to live with regrets.

Schizophrenia is awful.

•June 20, 2020 • Leave a Comment

I have shared the issues with my mother’s losing battle with schizophrenia before but last night’s episode reached a new level of WTF.

The day started with my mother showing up at my apt and my old work and then asking me if I had moved. I blew it off as her having an episode.

Told her that I would be home at 5pm. Kind of got concerned when my dad texted me at 2 pm saying that she told him that she was with me. Again, not the first time she has done that.

I drive up to my apartment at 5pm. And a brand new 2020 Ford pickup, fully loaded, with dealer tags is sitting in my driveway…..and my mother is in the passenger side……..no one in the driver seat….

“Mom…….what are you doing? Whose car is this and why are you in it??!?” I asked.

“It’s mine, I bought it today!” She said quite pleased with herself.

“Really………does dad know abt this?”

“Oh no, I bought it with the free money they were giving away at the church.” She says.

I open the door to my apt and call my dad. Worst conversation I have had to have with him yet. “Hey dad, mom bought a truck.”

My mother proceeds to tell me that she needs me to drive her back to the dealership to get my dads car. So I do. She gives me the keys to the truck and pulls out of the dealership. I start to follow trying to wrap my head around all of the information that was just shoved my way. I just had a bad feeling. I made a u-turn and drove back to the dealership and set out to find the salesman. My dad had arrived. Thank God.

We set out to find ‘Alex’ the poor guy that my mom bought this thing from and plied him with questions. How did she pay for this truck? Whose name is it in? WTF is going on?

Turns out, she gave wire instructions to a made up bank account that the “sharp shooter gave her when he came to the house this morning since your Dad won’t poison the rats that are out to get me”

This bank account does not exist.

While the finance department was trying to find out why the wire wouldn’t go through, my mother managed to take the key and ‘step outside’. She drove the truck to my house. The dealership didn’t realize that she had left.

While piecing all of this together, salesman were running everywhere…….

Poor Alex……..he was relieved that the truck showed back up and he could walk away from this whole situation.

The dealership was only too happy to wash their hands of the whole situation.

Its time to have the conversation with my dad of what he wants to do. This has crossed the line to being a danger to him, to the public, and to herself.

I just want a normal fucking weekend, why is that too much to ask?!?!?!?!

Beauty

•June 7, 2020 • Leave a Comment

Beauty is laughter with a good friend.

Beauty is a discussion about hard truths with someone who wants the best for you.

Beauty is found in the true intimacy and trust found in friendship.

The meeting of the souls

•May 17, 2020 • Leave a Comment

It is rare for two souls to meet in with no walls up.

It is rare for two people to stop in a busy time in their lives and just be.

When that happens to you, hold onto it.

You have just been fully recognized by another soul. No acting. No bullshit.

Your flaws have been seen in that moment, but they accounted for nothing. You were taken as you are……a recognition of safety. Respect. Honor.

Sometimes, being seen and accepted for who you are and nothing else, is the sincerest compliment.

Its ok to admit that you feel something for someone. But it is even better for that admission to be respected and validated.

Even though it isn’t required.

Everyone wants to be desired.

Everyone wants to be seen and accepted at a soul level.

“You’re a lot”

•April 18, 2020 • Leave a Comment

What the hell does that mean??? I hear it so many times and I don’t know what that means.

You’re a lot.

A lot of what? Hot air? Emotions? Hyper? Overwhelming? Dramatic? Fatass?

What do I do that triggers another person to send up red flares of “She’s a lot- RUN”??

Its a real question. Yeah the answer will prob hurt my feelings but hell, being in a situation where I hear that, is not enjoyable either.

Do I stare into their soul too hard? Possibly, I could see that. I try not to do that, it freaks people out. Maybe thats what it is……maybe they end up feeling exposed when I am around.

Either way, I hate that phrase “You’re a lot”.

The world stopped.

•April 5, 2020 • Leave a Comment

It one thing to be a part of a historical event. The Challenger explosion, 9/11, Kennedy being shot. COVID-19 is different. It stopped the entire world. All civilizations, all cultures, all histories stopped.

A super virus. A virus that doesn’t discriminate with age, health, status, geographic area, race, or sex.

This isn’t a historical event. This is a humanity changing event.

Another one bites the dust.

•March 30, 2020 • Leave a Comment

It took this one longer bail than the last one but the dust trail is still quite evident.

Believe me, I don’t relish being ‘too much’ to handle. I would much rather stick a fork in a toaster, honestly. I try not to open my mouth and let words out but sometimes it just happens.

I have opinions. I have a colorful past that tends to reach out and drag me down every now and then. And I am passionate to a fault. A huge fault. I can’t help it.

c’est le vive

And they’re pierced

•March 15, 2020 • Leave a Comment

Yep. I turned 40 this year.

The existential crisis of who I am and what I want out of life has begun.

My oldest daughter received a promise ring from her boyfriend this weekend. A bid deal.

She graduates from Highschool this year. Her sister is with her dad and that leaves me here. Trying to navigate what this next phase of my life is supposed to be.

I don’t know what to do. I know that I hate my job. I am lonely AF.

So yeah, I got my tits pierced…….. not the craziest thing I have ever done. Figured why the hell not? I have always wanted to do it. Just never got around to it.

Here’s to 2020!

Leap of faith.

•March 11, 2020 • Leave a Comment

When is a ‘leap of faith’ an act of desperation?

When is the pursuit of a relationship one sided?

When is the point where being with a person is worth moving for?

When is it ok to say ‘Yeah, time with you is worth changing my life over’?

When is it ok to be happy again? When is it ok to think that I can have love again?

When is it ok????

N.R.Hart

•March 8, 2020 • Leave a Comment