goddess4ever's Blog

My blogging career has come to an end.

This has been an awesome outlet for me to be myself and figure out how to navigate the frustrations and trials of my life.

Thank- you to all my readers over the years ❤️ you have given me support when I literally had none.

It is time to move on to bigger and better things 🙂

All my love,

Goddess4ever 💋

Today, I finally realized why I was having such a hard time with a sewing project that has taken me months to complete.

I need reading glasses.

…..

There is nothing on this earth worse than getting old. I am dragging my feet to 40 and my eyes have already started down the stupid hill.

What is worse is that when I went into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I saw my mom staring back at me. Enter the weirdest most obnoxious panic attack I have had in awhile.

I will have my face surgically altered just to NOT look like my mother. Like that is not even a question.

Her frowned face with no eyebrows (from over-plucking) was a familiar, un-avoidable look.

I guess what I am more afraid of, is being like her. The paranoid schizophrenia gives its own layer of hell to the issue and why I don’t want to be like her. But I think the biggest thing I fear is that she was never happy in her life.

She has been ‘about to start a business’ her entire life. Blames my dad or us for so many failures that I just don’t get it. I don’t ever want to be that unhappy. I don’t want to wish my life away. I don’t ever want to be ok just existing.

If you are unhappy in your life- change it!!! Yeah, it creates a shitshow but that is a hell of a lot better than living life on the sidelines. I don’t want to be a spectator. Don’t make me sit on the bench!

All that from a pair of hot pink reading glasses………

Good song for sobbing your heart out to on repeat. You’re welcome.

It has been four years since my ex husband lost his mom and four years and a few weeks since he changed forever.

I guess we both changed. Someone at church seemed puzzled and said “Wow, usually couples become stronger after things like that.”

We went through the same experience but We had to go through it without each other. I had to lean on other people. He changed, but I changed too. And when we tried to fix things, we were too different and too broken. He couldn’t love me anymore and I didn’t have anything left to give him in hopes that he would suddenly remember that he loved me.

And that hurts. I don’t know how someone forgets that you meant something to them once….I don’t understand it. I hate grief.

I am tired of crying. Tired of putting up a brave front for the kids and the rest of the world. I don’t want to hurt anymore…..

You matter.

Your heart matters.

Your feelings matter.

Your hopes and dreams matter.

You are worth more than your monetary worth.

You are worth more than your skills.

You are worth more than what you give to others.

Not everyone is shallow. Not everyone wants to use you.

Believe it or not, you matter.

I like to think I have control…..I don’t.

I like to think that I am in complete control of my emotions and desires. Clearly not.

I thought, “Ok, if I put rules on it, I will protect myself.” That was a failed attempt at a pain free existence. Like walking into a pole.

I feel my rules slipping………slipping……..

Yeah, I love him.

Here’s the thing: the privilege of being in love with someone, means that there is risk. Reward comes with risk. Big risk.

If I want him, the “rules” have to go. I have to take the risk. Why?

Because deep down, I know he is THE GUY. Yeah, it totally sounds stupid, but you don’t have a connection like that by accident.

Logic and Risk don’t belong in the same sentence.

The rules have to go this time. I am not going to lose him….

I met him two years ago and I texted my friends after that hour was over and told them that I had met ‘the guy’. They laughed of course.

But I still believe it today.

He is the guy. He will always be THE guy.

Ready or not. This won’t be a conventional relationship. And it doesn’t matter. Because he is the one. The one that I love.

He pushes the box walls. He challenges the conventional. He is maddening and irresistible, chaotic and insanely stabilizing. He is perfect in his imperfection. And I love him.