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Crazytown

•September 17, 2019 • Leave a Comment

My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic.

Because of this fact, I am always on guard when she calls because I never know whether she is being rational or if she is in the middle of a delusion.

Tonight, I received a phone call from my mother (I usually ignore her calls). She told me that my aunt (her sister) had just had her body identified and was deceased.

My Aunt and I are fairly close, so this caught me very off guard and made me very upset. My mother told me that she needed me to be sure. So I called my Aunt’s phone.

She answered.

“You’re alive, thank God!” I said.

She laughed out loud and asked me what I was talking about. She knows of her sister’s illness and assured me that everything was ok.

I was too irritated to call my mom. I texted her to tell her that my Aunt was fine. She responded “who told you?”

Seriously? I truly hate schizophrenia. I hate that this is even a conversation that I have to have with my mom. Or my poor Aunt for that matter!!!

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Tomorrow is Monday

•September 16, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Shortest horror story in the world.

Its bad when you start to dread your workday before the weekend is even over.

Fridaaaaaaaay

•September 14, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Thank you GOD for this awful week being OVER!!!!

I am two and a half people down, I have pulled off the impossible and gotten 80% of what I needed to do, done.

I feel like I lost a limb this week. I feel lost, I feel broken, and I am so freaking tired.

I hate that in this weak moment, I can’t control how much I miss you. I can’t stuff it and swallow it like a proper woman. I have faked so much to get through the week that I can’t fool myself right now. I can’t convince myself that I don’t care. I can’t try to distract myself with something shiny, or being busy.

I am getting good at shoving Pandora back into her tiny box. I just get pissed when she gets out. And right now she’s out, I don’t have what it takes to get her back.

Myth of recovering from trauma.

•September 13, 2019 • Leave a Comment

You can’t go back.

You can’t make things ‘go back’ the way they were.

You are not the same person as before your traumatic events happened. Through the process of trying to recover, I think we fool ourselves and try so hard to put things back the way that they were before.

I am not the woman that I was six months, a year, two years, or three years ago. I have changed. I have learned and adapted in that time. And yet, I was still trying to go backward….

Its ok to change. And in learning that, I am teaching my girls that change is ok. It isn’t pretty. Its rarely fun. But staying the same person I have always been is a nightmare that I do not want to live.

Tired and lost.

•September 3, 2019 • Leave a Comment

This weekend was the hardest weekend I have faced as a parent yet.

From one child dragging me through the everglades of parental guilt and the verbal assault that followed it, to the other truly entering a new, very real phase of her life. She has met the man that I am 110% sure will become my son-in-law.

This weekend has taken every bit of strength that I had and then some. I am broken down to pieces and my emotions are incredibly, incredibly raw.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I don’t have a direction to go.

I am so so so alone and it sucks so hard.

Intimacy

•September 2, 2019 • Leave a Comment

It just clicks

•September 2, 2019 • Leave a Comment

In your life, you’ll meet a lot of people. Thousands probably.

In that sea of people, you will only meet a few that click with you.

A ‘click’ signifies that something has engaged. Something has found just the right groove to snap into.

A ‘click’ signifies safety. How many things have you built that need a click before they can be trusted as sturdy, supportive, and safe? People are like that. When you feel the click, you just know, ‘this is safe’. This is where I need to be.

When you are a kid, you seem to just pick people out who ‘click’. As you get older, you have been burned by people who seem to almost click. Or people who click in the beginning and end up falling apart.

You test the strength of the click. Before you let it hold your weight. You purposefully put extra strain on it to prove that it will break, but it doesn’t. Hold onto that.

When you find the right pieces………that click is magic. Hold onto that. It is hard to find.