It took this one longer bail than the last one but the dust trail is still quite evident.
Believe me, I don’t relish being ‘too much’ to handle. I would much rather stick a fork in a toaster, honestly. I try not to open my mouth and let words out but sometimes it just happens.
I have opinions. I have a colorful past that tends to reach out and drag me down every now and then. And I am passionate to a fault. A huge fault. I can’t help it.
c’est le vive
Yep. I turned 40 this year.
The existential crisis of who I am and what I want out of life has begun.
My oldest daughter received a promise ring from her boyfriend this weekend. A bid deal.
She graduates from Highschool this year. Her sister is with her dad and that leaves me here. Trying to navigate what this next phase of my life is supposed to be.
I don’t know what to do. I know that I hate my job. I am lonely AF.
So yeah, I got my tits pierced…….. not the craziest thing I have ever done. Figured why the hell not? I have always wanted to do it. Just never got around to it.
Here’s to 2020!
When is a ‘leap of faith’ an act of desperation?
When is the pursuit of a relationship one sided?
When is the point where being with a person is worth moving for?
When is it ok to say ‘Yeah, time with you is worth changing my life over’?
When is it ok to be happy again? When is it ok to think that I can have love again?
When is it ok????
My current Netflix interest is MadMen.
I find the relationship dynamics in this show fascinating. Namely the extramarital affairs.
I realized that there are a couple of appeals in cheating regardless of where you find yourself in that relationship.
1) The thrill of pursuit. Not relegated just to men, women have this too.
As crass as it sounds, humans have an animalistic desire to see a target, want it, pursue it, and obtain it.
2) The need to feel attractive, engaging, and desired by others outside of the ‘maintenance’ relationship.
I want to be thought of as beautiful. I want to be the women that a man thinks about when he has a bad day. I want to be the woman that a man turns around to speak to when he as an idea. I want my laugh to be the thing that he wants to hear. I want my moans to be the ones that he wants to hear.
3) Being desired
To hear from someone that they can’t NOT think about you? Thats something we all crave. We want to be valued. We want to be thought of as indispensable, unique.
4) Counting on something that you are good at.
We all desire to have something that we know that we are great at. Being able to sexually satisfy your partner- feels incredible.
The cost of these things is high. Divorce. Failed relationships. Broken hearts. Self Esteem.
Making a relationship work is hard. Sometimes you have to get creative. Sometimes you will feel like shit. But in a moment when your partner (whomever that is) trusts you with a piece if their heart (scars, trauma, shame, fears, loneliness) that is the greatest gift of all. That is a connection worth getting creative over.
Your life can change in a moment.
The ‘about face’ we often attribute to tragedy; heart attacks, divorce, death, terminations. But sometimes….sometimes something good happens. Someone good happens.
It doesn’t have to be grandiose, lavish, or lofty.
It can be simple….honest….and pure.
Beautiful in its realness, it can become the greatest lifeline you have ever had. No games. No ulterior motives.
Just simple, fondness and respect that leads nowhere in particular and leaves a calm assurance in its wake.
An instant can remind you that you have intrinsic value.
Worth having around for more than your output.
One instant.
Divorce alone is isolating.
You become ‘damaged goods’. Only good enough to be considered as such.
But even more isolating is the role of single parent.
Let’s face it, how many of us have looked with pure judgement at a failing single parent and said to ourselves “Have fun with that, bitch. You created the spawn of the devil, now you get to live with it.”
I am guilty.
Now, I am that mom. The mom that everyone looks at but wont touch with a ten foot pole.
Cowards.
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