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Just empty

•October 14, 2019 • Leave a Comment

That is all.

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All of the things

•October 11, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Today is 8 vials of blood for tests day. Ready to get this over with. Not knowing is the worst.

Aside: Thinking of you for today and tomorrow. I would love to be there and cheer you on but that wouldn’t benefit anyone. All of the best wishes! I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished! Just remember to have fun!! Love you always.

Yay-first hurdle

•October 10, 2019 • Leave a Comment

Cardiology went well! Vaso vagal syncope was the diagnosis with a stress and anxiety cause. So now trying to decide how to work on that.

Next hurdle is another full blood work-up to rule out the big stuff.

To say I am exhausted is an understatement. To say that I feel like I am ready to have a breakdown, yeah that is imminent.

I just need a place to be ok.

Words you never want to hear.

•October 9, 2019 • Leave a Comment

“Your daughter has a high white blood cell count and her calcium is also really high, we are sending her to a hematologist to re-run labs.”

I feel like someone discharged a gun into my chest. I entered a time and sound warp at 2:13pm today.

There are so many ways that this can turn out ok, but (of course) I am only thinking of one.

The only prayer I can manage right now is “God……please……please not this…”

Tears of frustration are my favorite.

•October 8, 2019 • Leave a Comment

In the last 5 months, I have gone from managing 4 employees to managing 1. Eight support staff, to three support staff.

No less work.

No less bitching.

So instead of throwing a fit, I am pissing myself off by having emotion and frustration run down my face like a helpless baby.

Its a five star experience.

Love doesn’t always look like you want it to.

•October 6, 2019 • Leave a Comment

The older I get, the more I realize that our expectations of love can get in the way of the actual thing.

Love doesn’t always fit in the box that you want it to fit in.

What matters is what you experience with that person. No one gets to decide if that is enough, but you.

I did fine with the fainting

•October 5, 2019 • Leave a Comment

My daughter had a fainting spell. No biggie. Until it happens several times.

I did fine at first. Kids faint, get sick break bones, etc.

Making a cardiology apt for my daughter was a trigger for me. I never wanted this for her. This was her father’s cross to bear not hers’.

On the other hand, we will finally know how much of her father she inherited. She won’t have the not knowing hanging over her head anymore.

She is scared. Why wouldn’t she be? Her doctor mentioned that she may have to give up powerlifting…….you could have heard a pin drop. She spent two months of her life watching her dad fight for his life because of his genetics.

It just sucks.