goddess4ever's Blog

Schizophrenia is an insidious mental disorder.

Most of my life has been spent being embarrassed, terrified, heartbroken, bewildered, or just done with my mom’s behavior.

The major shifts in her behavior happened when she hit her 30s and has significantly increased since she hit her late 50s.

I remember running for my life when I was 12 years old and walking on an evening walk with her. She told me that someone was following us to kidnap us.

I remember her calling the FBI and lodging a complaint because the police department had a patrol car with 666 on the license plate.

I remember her paying a pastor $300 to stalk me after I moved away from home.

Calling me in the middle of the night, telling me that there was an intruder and that she needed me right then. There was no one.

Calling to tell me that my favorite Aunt was deceased. She was not.

And tonight’s escapade began with her texting me that she wanted to spend three days here because the rats are out to get her. 🙄

Posted in Life

Its been sooooooooo long since I had a full weekend off and this weekend will be no exception.

Its definitely not sustainable but its not like I have a life outside of work right now anyway.

Besides, it helps with the transition of kids growing up and becoming their own adults. I am not used to them being gone so much. I just never planned for this part of my life.

Oh well. Goodnight peeps.

Posted in Life

Posted in Life

Its the shortest question ever.

My sister and I were talking about relationships and lessons learned and NOT learned with each of them. I am having a terrible time getting over one in particular. I voiced my frustration to her and she asked a serious of questions that started with ‘Why’.

Why?

Pfff. If I knew that, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Why him? Not content with my ‘Idk’ answer, I had to dig deeper. What did he do that no one else did? It has taken me a month to come up with a complicated answer.

He figured out what was important to me really quickly. He remembered details that only someone who was actually listening to the spoken and unspoken words I was communicating would know. He knew how to read me. He saw me for the trainwreck that I was and he didn’t shy away. And I guess that is truly what it boils down to.

Honestly, it didn’t work because we were never actually in a relationship. When we started to get somewhere, she made a reappearance in his life and that was that. I knew something was happening, I just didn’t know what.

Its not a bad thing, just what happened. On the eve of two years since he changed my life, I am trying to let him go. He was never mine to have.

He will always have that place in my heart. And always be able to open that door. He has the only key.

So what now? Now, I section off that side of my heart and bury it. If he chooses to open that door, there will always be a candle in there, burning. If he doesn’t, the dust and cobwebs will collect and the candle wax will build up and I will move on.

Posted in Life

Posted in Life

Wish I could, I could’ve said goodbye

I would’ve said what I wanted to

Maybe even cried for you

If I knew it would be the last time

I would’ve broke my heart in two

Tryin’ to save a part of you

Don’t wanna feel another touch

Don’t wanna start another fire

Don’t wanna know another kiss

No other name falling off my lips

Don’t wanna give my heart away

To another stranger

Or let another day begin

Won’t even let the sunlight in

No, I’ll never love again

I’ll never love again, oh, oh, oh, oh

When we first met

I never thought that I would fall

I never thought that I’d find myself

Lying in your arms

And I want to pretend that it’s not true

Oh baby, that you’re gone

‘Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning

And I’m not moving on

Don’t wanna feel another touch

Don’t wanna start another fire

Don’t wanna know another kiss

No other name falling off my lips

Don’t wanna give my heart away

To another stranger

Or let another day begin

Won’t even let the sunlight in

No, I’ll never love

I don’t wanna know this feeling

Unless it’s you and me

I don’t wanna waste a moment, ooh

And I don’t wanna give somebody else the better part of me

I would rather wait for you, ooh

Don’t wanna feel another touch

Don’t wanna start another fire

Don’t wanna know another kiss

Baby, unless they are your lips

Don’t wanna give my heart away

To another stranger

Don’t let another day begin

Won’t let the sunlight in

Oh, I’ll never love again

Never love again

Never love again

Oh, I’ll never love again

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Aaron Ratiere / Hillary Lee Lindsey / Natalie Hemby / Stefani Germanotta

I’ll Never Love Again lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management, Universal Music Publishing Group

Posted in Life