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I am so tired.

No one tells you that when you become a supervisor, people literally hate you.

Like HATE you.

It is an odd feeling to truly know that people are talking about you for real when you walk in or begin to leave.

I don’t like it. It just makes me want to stay in bed all day. I don’t relish making 99% of the world miserable. The 1%, yeah, I enjoy that. There are only a few people I know like that and its been at least a year since I have seen any of them.

It just doesn’t feel good. I don’t like calling people out or being the rule follower. I really don’t.

I love to make people laugh. I love to brings smiles to people’s faces. It has been a long time.

I just want people to be happy. I don’t want to be a burden to people. I am so lonely. I have heard my dad say that it is lonely at the top (he was never at the top) and I know what he meant now.

My ex husband used to laugh at me when I asked for him to put his arms around me. He always knew that I hated asking. Especially since we weren’t really touchy feely people. That changed drastically after his heart attack. He couldn’t stand my presence for a long time, over a year after. When he finally did try to make an effort, it was too late.

I know, I know. The world’s tiniest violin playing “My heart bleeds for you”.

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It’s rare.

To find someone. Who gets you.

It is rare to be seen.

It is rare to find someone who is willing to be vulnerable with you.

I haven’t found such a person who could do all three of those things. Not even my ex-husband. He could be vulnerable to a point. Just enough to string me along.

There isn’t such a person on this planet. I have decided.

It’s rare, to be loved. Truly loved.

I believed that I had it once. Now, I realize that I don’t know shit about anything.

Unconditional love is a farce. There are always conditions. Its rare to find someone who wants to pay that price.

Someone asked me about relationships today. Why they changed. Why I don’t settle.

It isn’t about settling. It is about being someone that I am not.

I don’t want to feel alone when I am with that person. I don’t want to have to wait until they decide that I can exist.

I don’t want a one sided relationship.

I don’t want to be used.

I don’t want chemistry but no intimacy. I don’t want intimacy but no chemistry.

I know when people are holding back. I don’t mind if people don’t want to talk at that time but don’t shut me out completely.

I don’t need someone to pay my way. I don’t need anyone. I want someone to be close to. I WANT someone.

There is never a completion. No matter what the project.

You can do your very best; give every part of yourself and it won’t be good enough.

You can have all the evidence on your side. It won’t be enough.

I know because I have given every bit of myself. And it isn’t enough.

Deadline

I don’t know how it was met.

I do know that I can’t keep pushing myself like this. I can’t keep punishing my body with no sleep and terrible eating habits.

I am so damn exhausted. And for what?

I don’t even know anymore.

I miss him. Terribly.

I miss being in his arms. Yeah, I was prob being used. But, I felt safe from the world, the few times we were together. And right now, with deadlines having been met and boss’ happy, I just want to be in those arms.

I want the bullshit deadlines and the rat race to just go away. I just want to be loved for being myself. I haven’t had that in a long time. Just me.

Deadlines are manmade. Dime a dozen.

Just want to feel safe and worth loving. That is all.

Migraine.

With ridiculous deadlines looming, I am stricken with a brutal migraine yet again. Migraines have a great way of reducing you to a vomiting pile of uselessness.

I started thinking about my last relationship. And kicking myself. I knew better. I so freaking knew better. Actions always speak louder than words and I turned the volume down because I felt something. I changed the rules because I felt something I had never felt before.

How dumb can you be?? I have teenagers for god’s sake. I tell them all the time, ‘Actions speak louder than words’. I tell them to go with their gut. Mine was absent, unlike today.

I am the queen of rules. I broke every one of them because I felt something that he was too afraid to acknowledge. He could do 5 tours overseas, see people killed, but couldn’t accept the connection. Couldn’t let the walls down.

I left a 17 year marriage for the same stupid reason and here I am again. In the same fucking position. Loving a man who doesn’t have the balls to admit what he feels. Doesn’t realize that it takes two people to make a relationship work.

By the same token, I obviously know how to pick an unavailable male. And pick them well.

I am so tired of it.

PS-tired of this migraine and the vomiting too while I am at it.

I just want a place to be un-perfect.

I want to come home and sob my heart out without judgment.

I want to be held and told that I am ok. That even though I wasn’t perfect that day, that it is ok. That I am ok.

I need your heartbeat, presence, and touch. I need to be loved by someone. Just one person. That’s it.

I need to be told that even though I have kids and don’t look like a supermodel, you still think I am pretty. Regardless of if it is true or not.

I need to be told that I can do something right, anything. Whether its true or not.

Please just hold me. I want to be ok. That is all.

I promise the same to you.